


Fragility

by twilightscribe



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Complete, Durarara!! Kink Meme, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-28
Updated: 2011-10-27
Packaged: 2017-10-25 00:41:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 44,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twilightscribe/pseuds/twilightscribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The road to recovery is a long and often a treacherous one. For Shizuo, it's dealing with the fact that the one he thought he hated is the one most important to him. For Izaya, it meant building a new life out of the ashes. Shizaya</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Words: 3241 words  
> Prompt: Shizaya, cuddling... Just any IC fluff. ;__;

  
**Fragility**   
_If you come close enough  
For me to fall into the depths,  
I'll become a shadow  
Wandering the endless darkness_

 _I only remembered the days that weren't granted to us.  
You're not here. I know that. I know that._

  


  
_If you come close enough  
For me to fall into the depths,  
I'll become a shadow  
Wandering the endless darkness_

 _I only remembered the days that weren't granted to us.  
You're not here. I know that. I know that._

Sometimes the idiotic flea really manages to piss him off. Well, piss him off and scare the fucking daylights out of him at the same time. It's sort of complicated to explain and Shizuo never wanted to bother with it; he doesn't like having to justify himself to others beyond a couple of words or maybe a sentence.

Izaya was not supposed to turn up on his doorstep bleeding, broken, and quite possibly permanently damaged. That was not supposed to happen. _**No one**_ lays a hand on _**his**_ flea and gets away with it. Although, revenge would have to wait because that wouldn't stop Izaya from bleeding out in his doorway and he still had to explain to his land lady why there was blood all over the hall and elevator that led to his door.

Eventually she'd left him alone, and one rather frantic – for him anyway – phone call to Shinra had him rushing over with Celty in tow.

There were a lot of questions, none of them knew what could have happened, only that it had and now they were left with an unconscious Izaya who was currently occupying Shizuo's bed and looking so much more fragile than he ever had before. And that was saying something because Shizuo had seen the brunette at his lowest and he'd seen him hurt before, but those times were never like this.

He could have died.

Hell, he _**should**_ be dead. That's what Shinra told him. He'd lost so much blood, the injuries had been so severe... Shizuo refused to think about it.

Shinra _**had**_ wanted to move Izaya to his apartment since he had the equipment there to better deal with the situation – fuck, he'd wanted to take him to the hospital it was that serious – but none of them could come up with a way to get him there without possibly jeopardizing his already delicate condition. Eventually Shinra had settled for instructing Celty to go back and retrieve some extra things that he would need.

In the end, that still left Shizuo with a critically injured Izaya who he was terrified to touch for fear of breaking him further.

Kneeling at the side of the bed, all Shizuo could hear was the quiet beeping of the heart monitor that Celty had brought and Shinra had hooked up to Izaya – he didn't ask _**how**_ she'd gotten it there, he really could care less. Apart from that and the steady sound of breathing that, though shallow, filled the air the entire apartment was dead silent. Shinra was collapsed on the couch in the living room, and Celty was probably with him too. Shizuo wasn't prepared for guests, so he had nothing more to offer them than a couple of extra blankets that he'd had to dig through the hall closet to find.

Shizuo had propped his head up on his folded arms, just watching as the informant slept. He watched the way his chest rose and fell, took in how his eyes looked sunken and how there was an ugly dark bruise on his cheek. He had never looked more human.

He had never looked more _**fragile**_.

That cut Shizuo deeply and made his head hurt along with that ache that had taken up residence in his chest. For as long as he could remember, Izaya had always seemed so indestructible, so... untouchable. He'd been a constant in Shizuo's life, and he couldn't imagine what life would be like if he just stopped existing. It was hard to digest, much less comprehend.

This wasn't Izaya.

The pale skin stood out in the darkness, marred by bruises and bandages that had already started to soak through with red in some places. And he looked small in the bed – surrounded by blankets and with so many needles stuck into him that he was sort of like a pin cushion but that analogy just made Shizuo wince.

Almost absently, Shizuo reached out and took one of Izaya's hands in his, mindful of the many needles and tubes that he was attached to. He noted how small it seemed in comparison to his – hell Izaya had always been smaller than him, always so much more delicate but that was sometimes easy to forget – and also how cool it was.

In his chest, his heart thudded heavily and there was a painful lump in his throat. His eyes burned.

He choked when he thought of how Izaya had been before. All of those images that he could call up with such painful clarity that it just made that agony in his chest even worse.

Anger was the dominant emotion that he felt; anger at the people responsible, at Izaya for getting himself into the fucking situation in the first place, but mostly at himself for being so god damn useless. Fuck, if he'd just done something like be there or anything than Izaya wouldn't fucking be like this and he wouldn't feel like he'd just had his heart torn out. He was just that pathetic that he couldn't stop someone he cared – no, he _loved_ – about from getting hurt, nearly _**killed**_ for that matter.

 _Heh... I'm more messed up than I thought, falling in love with the stupid flea._

Fuck, he couldn't deny it; not when every fibre of his being was thrumming with it. For whatever reason, it was true. But that didn't make the pain any better, in fact, it only made it hurt more.

A choked sob forced itself out of him, and after that he just couldn't stop himself.

The tears coursed hot and heavy down his cheeks as he hunched over, clinging to Izaya's hand tightly but mindful not to crush it. Sobs ripped from his chest, but he ignored them and instead focused on that agony in his chest that would just not go away and got worse the more that he thought about Izaya and how he'd been.

The images tormented him, reminding him of how helpless and weak he truly was. He was pathetic, unable to protect the one he loved and now the guilt and anger and self-loathing were tearing him apart from the inside.

 _Why?! Why give me this strength if I can't do anything with it?!_ The tears kept falling. He couldn't stop them now even if he wanted to – his reputation could go to hell for all he cared, he just wanted Izaya to be okay. He wanted him back and he would trade _**anything**_ for that.

Shizuo wasn't sure how long he stayed like that, just crying and waiting and hoping and praying that Izaya would just open his eyes and everything would be alright and go back to how it was. He fucking didn't care if the flea still thought of him as being nothing more than a mindless oaf, he just wanted him back. Shizuo wanted him alive and whole and as annoying as ever because he was so important to him that he just could not picture – could not _**dream**_ of – life without him. Izaya was as vital to him as breathing.

The steady beeping of the heart monitor kept him grounded. It gave him hope. Right then, all he could hope was that Izaya pulled through this alive. They could work on piecing everything else back together later.

And he would be there, even if Izaya wanted nothing to do with him. He would spend the rest of his life trying to make up for this. Maybe that would be enough to satisfy that ache of guilt in his chest.

He was startled out of his silent mourning and apologizing by a light tap on his shoulder.

Celty stood right behind him, PDA in hand. She held it out to him, the screen glowing bright in the darkness and made him blink.

 _[ This isn't your fault. ]_

Whatever response he might have had, it stuck in his throat. Celty knew him so well that it would be pointless to try and argue with her.

He still did though.

“Like hell it is.”

Somehow, he could imagine her frowning and she would have smacked him for his stupidity – that much he was sure of – if she wasn't so concerned about him.

 _[ You couldn't have done anything to prevent this. So don't beat yourself up over it. ]_

Shizuo said nothing. Despite her words and the grain of truth that some rational part of him could see in them, they didn't alleviate that burning agony inside of him nor did they stop those feelings of hatred and despair that were clawing violently at him.

 _[ Izaya makes his own decisions. As ugly as it is, he has to live with the consequences of them. You couldn't have stopped him and you couldn't have protected him either. All you can do is be there for him and hope that it's enough. ]_

Celty paused briefly before typing up one last message.

 _[ He is very lucky to have you. Even if he might not deserve it. ]_

Again, Shizuo said nothing. Celty reached out and gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze before leaving. She closed the door quietly behind her as she did.

Even with her words, Shizuo couldn't shrug off the guilt that he felt. Maybe it was irrational and stupid to feel that way, but he couldn't stop it. His rational side was being overpowered by the whirlwind of emotions that he felt; the sudden culmination of his feelings and the realization of what they _**meant**_ was still eating at him.

Somehow, he thought, it shouldn't have been turned out like this. He should have spent his entire life in the dark about how he felt for Izaya instead of having it all dumped on him right when there was a very good chance that he would lose him forever.

Life wasn't fair. Life was a fucking bitch, actually.

What was he? Some kind of chew toy for whatever divine power was out there? He was getting tired of being yanked around for some unseen figure's amusement. At least Izaya was relatively upfront about that and at least he _**had**_ some reason for how he'd turned out that way. Fucking hell, life just couldn't give them a break, could it?

Before this, Shizuo couldn't picture them as having a healthy relationship by any definition. They were too fucked up and mismatched for that to be even a slim possibility. Add into that the fact that both of them were convinced that they hated each other – although Shizuo had been disillusioned to that now – and were determined to see the other dead.

Except, Shizuo wasn't sure if he actually had it in him to kill anyone; much less the flea. And Izaya wasn't much better off in that area either.

That wasn't important though. What mattered most right then was praying that Izaya would wake up, that he would get through this – that _**they**_ would get through this. The sentimental crap could wait until then.

The night passed agonizingly slowly for Shizuo. But despite how exhausted he was emotionally, he refused to let himself fall asleep. Once he was sure that Izaya would recover, then he'd consider it, but...

He was afraid of what he might dream of. His mind was already doing a great job of torturing him, he didn't need to add in what his subconscious thought or what horrors his nightmares could conjure up for him. That was something that he could live without. Celty was already worried about him, he didn't need Shinra on his back too.

Until then, though, Shizuo sat through an uneasy vigil at Izaya's side.

Holding Izaya's hand in both of his, Shizuo could see how his hands were visibly trembling. What stood out to him, though, was how the veins under Izaya's pale skin stood out. Although, it was startling to see just how white his skin looked in comparison to Shizuo's; he'd lost so much blood... even with the transfusion that Shinra had given him there was a still a high possibility that his body would just give out under him.

A number of the bandages were stained a dark shade of brown by the time that the first bit of sunlight filtered in through the curtains. Shinra would probably come in shortly to change the bandages.

Shizuo looked at the bandages that almost completely covered Izaya's arm from his wrist to his shoulder – he could still remember all of the blood dripping off, the arm hanging practically uselessly at his side.

He blinked, forcing the image to the back of his mind.

Even though he was no medical expert like Shinra, he'd picked up a few things from him and from having to resort to treating his own injuries over the years. Besides, if Izaya did pull through this, Shizuo was quite sure that he would be the one to take care of him.

He might not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was usually pretty good at catching onto things quickly. And if that meant having to change bandages – among other things – then he could do that.

Carefully, Shizuo pulled Izaya's arm towards him. Shinra had left all of the bandages and a slew of other medical supplies on the night stand. The garbage can which had been dragged in from the bathroom was full of bloodied cotton swabs and gauze, along with a lot of blood-soaked bandages.

Even if it had been unnecessary, Shizuo had taken Izaya's bloody and torn clothes to the roof and burned them. He didn't need anymore reminders. It had been both cathartic for him and also had cut him deep to realize just _**what**_ had been done to the informant.

The rest of the garbage he could leave for Celty or Shinra to take care of.

Shizuo took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves as he carefully snipped the bandages and slowly began to unwrap Izaya's arm. He felt his stomach churn just a little as the horribly cut up skin was revealed. Most of the cuts had scabbed over but a few of them oozed as the bandages were removed, forcing Shizuo to apply fresh gauze and some antiseptic to the cuts.

Chucking the blood-stained bandages into the garbage bin, Shizuo took a fresh roll from the night stand and carefully began to apply them to Izaya's arm. The process was slow and gave him far too much time to stew over just how horrible all of the injuries were.

He'd leave the stab wounds for Shinra to treat since they were far more serious, but Shizuo could still change the ones that dotted his arms, legs, and neck.

Whatever restraints had been used had left deep abrasions on Izaya's ankles and wrists – Shinra was certain that they were from ropes – and there were, horrifyingly, similar marks on Izaya's neck. The welts on his neck weren't as deep as those on his ankles or wrists, but just _**seeing**_ them had Shizuo seeing red.

Whoever had held Izaya had definitely wanted to make certain that Izaya wouldn't escape. Not without forcing him to horribly mutilate himself at the least. And Izaya had managed to get away. Somehow he'd managed.

Shizuo froze as he carefully smoothed the bandages over Izaya's other arm as yet another realization hit him.

Izaya had come to _**him**_. He'd escaped from whatever hell he'd been trapped in and sought him out for whatever reason. Instead of looking for, say, Shinra who obviously would be both better equipped to deal with his injuries and arguably a much safer choice. After all, Shizuo had never done anything but attempt to kill Izaya in the past.

So why would he come to him?

 _Does... does he really trust me that much? Why me?_

Returning his gaze to Izaya's face, he took in the features with a new appreciation. His heart felt oddly lighter in his chest, but it was still accompanied by that ache that had been there for hours. It still pounded heavily in his chest, but the lump in his throat had lessened somewhat.

The bruising and lacerations around one of Izaya's eyes meant that it was covered by a bandage, held in place by the elastic strings which looped over his ears. It was almost creepy how he looked like a mummy, so much of him was covered with bandages, and the parts of him that weren't were either white as a sheet or covered in ugly bruises that had a purplish-blue hue to them.

Gently, Shizuo reached up and brushed his hair back from his face; the tips of his fingers brushing against Izaya's forehead as he did so. It was warmer than he remembered, but still not nearly healthy enough. But it was an improvement.

He'd take what little consolation he could in that.

Turning his attention to Izaya's neck, he was about to begin on the bandages there when Celty reappeared in the doorway.

She took one look at the clean bandages and Shizuo who was frozen in place with his hands stretched out above Izaya. With a droop to her shoulders reminiscent of a sigh, Celty walked over and smacked his hands away.

[ _Leave that to Shinra. Right now you need a shower at the very least._ ]

“What? I'm _**fine**_.”

[ _Shizuo, you're covered in blood and you're exhausted. I can't tell you to sleep because I know you won't, but at least take a little bit of care of yourself. I'll watch over him while you're gone._ ]

“But–”

[ _No buts. He will still be here when you get back._ ]

Celty slid her PDA back into her sleeve and crossed her arms. If she'd had a head, Shizuo could imagine her giving him a stern look. Shizuo was, for a moment, half tempted to ignore her and just continue to remain where he was, but it just seemed easier to just do as she ordered.

Besides, the blood had long since dried on his clothes and hands. He probably didn't make for a very reassuring sight.

With a sigh, Shizuo pushed himself to his feet. His clothes gave off a soft crunching noise as the dried blood came loose from the creases as he did.

But before he left, Shizuo reached out and smoothed back the bangs which had fallen back over Izaya's face. On a spur of the moment decision, he leaned down and pressed his lips to the brunette's forehead.

And even though he knew that he couldn't hear him... “I'm here for you. As long as you need me.”

  
_If these words ever reach you,  
I'll take my living body and throw it away  
A 'now' that has erased my vivid wounds  
Your warmth that steals everything  
I longed for them, I searched for them.  
Even though they're illusions._

 _Vanishing, vanishing, your warmth  
Follows me to this place  
Your arms that could wipe away even punishment  
I want to sleep as they embrace me._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 2829 words

Celty showed no indication that she'd heard him even though she probably had. Instead, she went and took his place at Izaya's side. Very slowly, she reached out and placed her hand over Izaya's and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Turning away, Shizuo quietly opened the door and slipped into the hallway. He could clearly hear the quiet hum of the refrigerator and the sound of Shinra's heavy breathing and soft snores coming from the living room. Closing the door to his bedroom behind him, he crossed the hall to his bathroom and flipped on the light as he stepped inside.

His limbs felt heavy and he blinked several times in the bright light of the bathroom.

A quick glance in the bathroom mirror told him that he was a mess. There were dark circles under his eyes from his lack of sleep, and his eyes themselves were blood shot and a little puffy. There was dried blood smeared across his face and even in his hair. His clothes were stained and his shirt wasn't even white anymore, it was mostly all just a mottled brown stain. And his hands... they were smeared with Izaya's blood.

Still trembling, he raised his hands for a closer inspection. Even at the sight of it dried and flaking, it still made his heart thud painfully, his stomach twist, and that lump was lodged in his throat again.

Even though his hands were still shaking, Shizuo stripped off his clothes, throwing them to a corner of the bathroom. Stepping into the shower, he pulled the curtain across and turned on the water. It came as a slight shock to his body – _cold, too cold_ – but he didn't bother to try and adjust the temperature. The cold would help wake him up.

For several long minutes, Shizuo just stood there under the water that had turned a shade of reddish-brown as it washed away some of the blood. Shizuo watched it swirl away in the drain, mind blank.

As goosebumps started forming along his chest and arms, Shizuo finally moved and grabbed the soup off the small ledge. He scrubbed at the remaining dried blood that the water hadn't been able to wash away. Getting the blood out of his hair was a little more difficult and his fingers snagged in both tangles and congealed blood as he washed it but he didn't curse in frustration.

Once he was clean, Shizuo just stood under the cold water, staring at the white tile in front of him. He could see a distorted reflection of himself.

Sighing, he wrenched his attention away from the tiles and turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He grabbed a shower from the rack and quickly dried his hair before wrapping it around his waist and leaving the bathroom.

Shinra was still asleep in the living room when he emerged so the apartment remained in almost dead silence that rang in his ears.

When he re-entered his room, he found Celty in the same position that she'd been in when he'd left. She didn't look up at him and it was pretty obvious that she was averting her attention as Shizuo dropped his towel and pulled out fresh clothes – another bar tender outfit, as always – from his closet and dressed.

[ _No change. Shinra said that he can't be sure when he might wake up._ ]

“Thanks.”

An awkward silence fell between the two of them, neither moving for several agonizingly long minutes until Celty broke it.

[ _You really are worried about him. I never realized before how much you did actually care about him._ ]

Shizuo didn't respond but looked away, pointedly staring at the carpet. He hadn't known until that day either.

A hand on his shoulder jerked him back to reality. Celty was standing beside him, holding out her PDA as she gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze.

[ _It makes a lot more sense now._ ]

“What does?”

[ _Your behavior. You cared about him all this time but never knew how to express it._ ]

Choosing not to say anything – not that he could actually think of anything to say to that – Shizuo returned to his spot at the side of the bed. His hands were much more steady this time when he hesitantly reached out and took the informant's hand. He could feel Celty's intense scrutiny before she took her leave, the door closing behind her with a soft click.

The morning dragged on and Shizuo didn't move except to occasionally shift to keep his legs from falling asleep. He didn't have much of an appetite, and even though his eyes started to burn a little from lack of sleep as the day wore on he couldn't let himself.

Shinra drifted in once or twice to check the equipment and to change Izaya's bandages along with seeing if there had been any changes. And Celty would come in on occasion to pester him to eat, even a if it was just little. Eventually she just left a bowl of rice for him on the table with a stern message to eat at some point and try to get some sleep.

Both of them were worried about him, but Shizuo found it was difficult to care when all that mattered to him was that Izaya wake up.

 _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't do anything right... So please... please wake up... I need to tell you that._

 **.:-o-:. .:-o-:. .:-o-:.**

  
Shizuo was half-asleep when Izaya's hand twitched in his. That one movement jerked him back to alertness and he nearly shot up from his position sitting at the side of the bed. Instead, he simply settled for leaning anxiously over him.

His eyes were squeezed closed but fluttered open for a brief moment. Finally, he managed to open them – although they were lidded from exhaustion – and Shizuo let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

“Izaya?”

The informant glanced over at him and Shizuo sucked in a sharp breath. The solitary eye lacked the gleam of amusement and lust for something that it usually held, it was dull and the color of rust instead of the familiar bright red that Shizuo was so accustomed to.

He felt his heart jump up into his throat.

Blinking at him, it seemed to take him a few seconds before he registered that Shizuo was leaning over him. Then it took him a few seconds to realize that Shizuo had said something to him.

“Shizu... chan...?” His voice was rough and soft from misuse and how dry his throat was.

The drugs had probably left him feeling disoriented and woozy and Shizuo was pretty sure that all of the blood that he'd lost didn't help either. However, the relief that he felt was still countered by just how _**broken**_ the informant seemed. He had to bite down on his lip to keep himself from crying in relief and sadness.

With trembling fingers, he reached out and lightly touched Izaya's cheek. It didn't escape his notice that Izaya winced just a little when his fingers made contact, but he relaxed almost immediately. Still, it made that knife in Shizuo's stomach twist painfully.

“Where...?”

“Don't worry, you're safe.”

 _I'll protect you I promise. I won't let anyone hurt you again._

Izaya frowned and made as though he was about to say something, but he seemed to think better of it and remained silent. He glanced around the room, taking in all of the medical equipment that had been set up beside the bed and then taking stock of all of the tubes and needles that he was hooked up to.

“I called Shinra, he had Celty bring most of this. You... were in pretty bad shape.” Shizuo ignored the way his voice caught in his throat; if he kept talking, then he could hold back the tears. “He said you were lucky to have survived.”

“Unlucky... is more... like it.” He let his eye drift closed.

Shizuo froze, his heart stuttering to a halt. No. He would not think about that, couldn't. The blade twisted painfully in his stomach and blazed red hot. He should have known that Izaya might have felt this way. He was such an idiot.

Something in his posture must have alerted Izaya, because the informant was watching him closely with a frown, “Were you...”

“You're a fucking idiot. I hope you know that.” Shizuo's shoulders shook from the force of his suppressed sobs. Damn it, he was _**not**_ going to cry. Not in front of Izaya. And definitely not when he needed to be strong for him.

“Shizu-chan...”

His voice was still impossibly soft, cracking in all the wrong places. Weakly, Izaya managed to squeeze Shizuo's hand holding his.

“Why... are you...?”

Carefully pushing himself to his feet, Shizuo leaned over and pressed his lips to Izaya's forehead. It didn't matter right then if he was confusing the hell out of the informant, they could work through all of this later.

“I'll get Shinra.” He gave Izaya's hand another squeeze before moving to untangle their fingers and fetch the self-described doctor.

What he didn't count on was the desperate strength which Izaya clung to his hand with. Glancing down, he saw that his eye had gone wide and he was trembling.

 _Why does he look so vulnerable...?_

“Please...” Very weakly, he tugged on Shizuo's hand and shifted over a little in the bed to make enough room for him to sit on the edge of it. The message was clear: _I don't want to be alone. Please stay._

Unable to deny him anything when he looked at him like that, Shizuo settled down onto the side of the bed; mindful of Izaya's bandaged form. He'd throw himself out the window if he caused him anymore harm. He held the smaller man's hand gently in both of his on his thigh.

Izaya settled down, the heart monitor slowly settling back into the rhythmic beeping of before – it had spiked dangerously when Shizuo had made to leave. The blond didn't doubt that either Celty or Shinra had heard it.

That assumption of his proved correct because only a few seconds later Shinra had slipped into the room with them.

Luckily, Izaya had settled back into a sleepy state of wakefulness and didn't notice the dark-haired man at first. And when he did, he seemed just a little wary of him but relaxed quickly. Shizuo's heart contracted painfully at what that could mean. Questions bubbled up inside of him – _What happened? Who did this? Where did they take you? I need to know, please_ – but none of them were appropriate to be asked then. He could ask later, he could wait until Izaya was ready to answer them.

Shinra had a slightly happy grin on his face when he saw that Izaya was awake and he gave the two of them a knowing wink. His grin only grew bigger when he saw their intertwined hands.

“Well, this is something unexpected.”

Gently, Shizuo stroked Izaya's knuckles as he glared at Shinra who had the good sense to flinch and hurriedly raise his hands in a placating gesture.

“I didn't mean it like that!” he back-pedalled wildly. “I didn't expect to, you know, I'm sorry!”

“Shut up...” Izaya rumbled, eye closing and nose wrinkling as though he was in pain. He tightened his hand in Shizuo's before relaxing just a little.

“You okay?” Shizuo asked softly.

“... head hurts...”

“Sorry...” Shinra slowly approached, speaking in hushed tones. “How are you feeling otherwise?”

“... tired... I can't feel... anything... really...” he frowned. From the pauses in how he spoke, it was probably taking up a lot of his energy to say that much.

“Rest,” Shizuo murmured, shooting another glare at Shinra. “Don't bother wasting your energy on Shinra.”

“Hey!”

Izaya seemed to debate for a few moments about whether or not he wanted to argue with Shizuo about that, but his exhaustion won out in the end and he nodded slowly before relaxing into the bed. It didn't take very long until he drifted back off to sleep.

Silence permeated the room for several long moments, the only sound that of Izaya's calm but heavy breathing and the steady beep of the heart monitor.

“How was he?”

Shizuo didn't look at Shinra when he spoke, watching Izaya's face. _He looks so peaceful..._ It took him several more minutes to answer, Shinra waiting patiently for him to do so the entire time.

“Confused. He didn't really know where he was for a while... he seemed afraid too.” Somehow, Shizuo found that his voice didn't shake, didn't crack, like he'd feared it would. He sounded so much calmer than he felt. “But he relaxed once he recognized me.”

“Yeah, I noticed that,” Shinra replied softly. “I don't think that will go away any time soon.”

Shizuo nodded. He focused on Izaya's face, the bruises, how pale his skin was, how fragile and broken he looked... all of that he carved deep into his memory.

Even though he probably knew that Shizuo wasn't paying attention anymore, Shinra kept talking; he was rambling, really, as he went about changing some of Izaya's bandages and checking on the more serious injuries. Shizuo knew that it was just how Shinra was and ignored it.

“... should be stable in a few days. Celty can come check on him from time to time to make sure he's recovering like he should–”

“I'll take a few days off.” Hell, he'd never taken a vacation in his life; he'd had so many jobs that he cherished the ones that he could keep for longer than a month. And Tom was a good friend, he'd understand.

“She can – huh?” Shinra blinked, startled out of his rambling explanation. “You don't have to–”

“You just said that the next few days would be important.” Shizuo looked away from Izaya and met Shinra's eyes. He knew he probably looked like shit and, really, he was exhausted and was on the brink of the collapse but he could wait until later when he could afford that luxury.

“Well yeah, but – are you sure that's alright?” Biting his lip, Shinra nervously fidgeted about a little as he adjusted one of Izaya's bandages.

“It's fine.”

“That means you'll have to change his bandages and feed him and help him to the bathroom and–”

“I know.”

Shinra sighed, running his hand through his hair. He looked just as crappy as Shizuo felt, even though he had managed to squeeze in a few hours of sleep. Although from the looks of it, it hadn't been as restful as it should've been. Both of them were too worried to actually sleep – Shizuo more than Shinra.

“Well, alright... so long as you know...” Shinra trailed off. “But I'll still ask Celty to drop by to make sure he's doing okay. She can bring you anything you might need.”

Shizuo nodded. He was tired, and sleep was starting to look oh so tempting now that he knew that Izaya was alright. It didn't matter so much that he'd be sleeping on the floor.

After a few more minutes – although it was more like hours – of lecturing Shizuo on things that the blond didn't even bother paying attention to, Shinra eventually left with Celty. He'd managed to extract a promise from a dead tired Shizuo to call him if anything happened or if Izaya suddenly took a turn for the worse. Celty was practically herding him out of the door even as he called more instructions over his shoulder as Shizuo finally slammed the door closed behind them.

One thing that he was glad to see was that the blood had all been cleaned away. Now the hallway just smelled of bleach and crappy air freshener.

That was one reminder that he could live without.

Celty had left him a small meal on the counter along with a note – _Eat this please._ – and he managed to force down a good portion of it before his stomach threatened to expel its contents. He wound up dumping the rest of it into the trash before slowly walking back to his room after making sure that the door and windows were all locked.

He'd left the door to his room open a crack and Izaya was exactly where he'd been before. Although he'd curled up on himself a little and his face was scrunched up into one of discomfort. Shizuo sighed.

It was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 3275 words

_**Two weeks later...**_

Okay, so there were a number of things that Shizuo could name that he missed about how Izaya had been before. Like his strength, or how he seemed to show no fear to anyone no matter what – that he missed, along with the banter. That was weird, but seeing how Izaya acted now was almost unrecognizable from how he'd been before.

And yeah, he was damn well allowed to complain if only to himself.

Well, he was getting used to having a roommate. If someone who was bedridden and still looked like they might have been hit by a bus at least. Izaya was strangely quiet. Shizuo got the feeling that it probably hurt to talk, even now.

Shinra had tried to explain it to him – something about ghost pains... maybe – but Shizuo didn't get all the medical jargon that he'd used. It all sounded like bullshit to him.

The bruises had faded somewhat, leaving them a rather ugly greenish-brown that looked completely unhealthy and only made Izaya look worse. On the bright side, though, his other injuries were healing well but he was still almost completely covered in bandages from head to toe.

When Shizuo slipped into the room after a long day at work, his phone vibrated in his pocket.

- _Before you ask, yes I'm awake and yes I would like something to eat._ -

Oh yeah, Izaya had his routine down. It probably didn't help that he got in late from work which meant a late dinner. Celty was usually the one who made sure that he ate his lunch and took the antibiotics with it that had been prescribed to him.

His phone buzzed again.

- _How was work?_ -

And no, it wasn't creepy at all that he and Izaya were developing some weird sort of _**domestic**_ situation. Not at all. It was... strangely pleasant.

Kicking his shoes off and dropping his keys in the bowl on the table by the door, he trotted down the hallway to his bedroom. The door was ajar and he opened it slowly before slipping inside.

Most of the medical equipment was gone, with only a pile of various salves and bandages occupying the night-stand along with the bottles of antibiotics that Shinra had prescribed Izaya to take. There was a half-empty glass of water sitting on the small table too.

The curtains had been pulled back from the window which had been opened a crack – probably Celty's doing – letting in the last few rays as the sun sank below the horizon. Izaya was sitting up in bed, propped up on several pillows that had either been pulled from Shizuo's closet or bought recently for the informant.

“Work was good.” Shizuo rolled his shoulders to work the kinks out of them as he walked over. He gave the informant – ex-informant, there was no way in hell he was letting Izaya go back to that fucking job – a warm smile as he walked over. “Celty stopped by right? What did she bring you for lunch?”

Izaya returned the smile, although he was much more subdued than Shizuo's, and picked up his phone to type out a message. - _Russian sushi. She bought otoro. It was good._ -

The bandages around Izaya's neck were stark white, a constant reminder of the fate that he'd just barely escaped from. Judging by the bruises and ripped skin on his hands, he'd clawed whatever rope had been wrapped around his neck off before escaping.

Shizuo pushed that aside. He really didn't need to be thinking about that now; it still elicited a dark rage in him that was hard to quell.

Gently, Shizuo reached out to cup the back of Izaya's head – mindful of his injuries – and leaned in to press his lips against the other's forehead. It didn't escape him that Izaya leaned just a little into the touch, eyes lidded over dulled crimson eyes as the blond pulled away.

“I'll start dinner, anything in particular you want?” Shizuo asked softly.

- _It doesn't matter; anything is fine._ -

“Alright, let me know if you need anything.”

Izaya nodded in response before settling back against the pillows and looking back out the window.

Returning to the kitchen, Shizuo noted that it was still weird to be living with someone who couldn't actually talk. For one thing, it probably hurt to talk given all that bruising and damage – and he had to quickly avert his thoughts from that as he started dinner or he'd be at risk of cutting off one of his fingers – but Shinra had also advised against it. At least for the time being.

Honestly Shizuo missed their arguments; it was just too weird to have an Izaya who couldn't talk. The quiet was unnerving, he kept expecting someone to jump out at him or something.

For the past two weeks, he'd been on edge. Shizuo wasn't an expert on people or gathering information, but the rest of the populace seemed to be whispering about what could have happened to Izaya since he wasn't around anymore. None of them actually seemed to know anything, but it pissed him off anyway.

The lack of answers was getting to him, he didn't need other people speculating about it; that only made it worse.

 _No pushing. I promised that I'd wait until he was ready._ And even then, Shizuo himself would probably not be ready. He... wasn't sure if he could control himself, his anger – vengeful as it was – if he found out just who was responsible for what had happened.

Fuck, he already blamed the yakuza for what happened, since it was pretty damn reasonable to assume that it was because of them that Izaya had gotten into whatever shitstorm of a situation it had been to begin with. And yeah, he wasn't a genius but he knew that it was a fucking stupid idea to take on the whole underground by himself.

Right now, it was more important to help Izaya heal. Even if he never could be who he was before.

Shizuo could live with that, could live with a changed Izaya even if it broke some part of his heart for what was lost. So long as he was alive then he was fine. He could make it through this – _**they**_ could make it through this.

Dinner was simple; Shizuo couldn't make anything fancy but having lived on his own for so long had meant that he'd become pretty self-sufficient. Izaya didn't complain about the food.

What he probably would complain about if he could, was the fact that it was too painful for him to actually feed himself. Even doped on the pain meds it was awkward and he tired quickly, leaving Shizuo to help since he had to eat to keep his strength up.

Shizuo would be lying if he said this wasn't awkward.

“Oh come on, if you don't eat then you're just gonna be stuck in bed for longer.”

Frowning, Izaya gave him the best glare he could manage. It wasn't very intimidating since he actually wasn't too opposed to letting Shizuo _**feed**_ him and that he had only one eye with which to glare with. Eventually he just gave him and opened his mouth wide enough. He'd more or less adjusted to having to depend on the blond for almost everything – he couldn't make it to the bathroom without dragging himself across the floor since one of his legs had nearly been shattered.

 _Don't think about that, don't think about that..._

Shizuo knew that Izaya didn't have much an appetite and couldn't stomach very much at a time, so he set it aside on the night stand once he knew that Izaya was full. He'd gotten so used to doing this that he could just look at the ex-informant's body language and know when he was done.

- _Thanks._ \- Izaya held out his phone to show the message to Shizuo.

“It's nothing. Do you need anything else? Bathroom?”

Izaya paused for a moment, mulling over the question before he responded. - _Would it be too much to ask for a 'bath'?_ -

Much to his credit, Izaya's cheeks were a bright shade of red as he held out the phone for Shizuo. _**This**_ never got any less awkward.

“I'll have to change your bandages.”

- _I know. That doesn't matter._ \- He paused. - _It'll help me sleep. Please?_ -

Shizuo sighed, “Alright. Wait here and I'll go get everything ready.”

Before he could get up and leave, Izaya grabbed the hem of his vest. He fumbled a little to type up a message with one hand, but eventually managed. - _Thank you._ -

“It's nothing.”

It took Shizuo about twenty minutes to get all of the towels, water, bandages, and scissors together in the bathroom that he'd need. Once he had everything ready and waiting, he went back to fetch Izaya. Even though it was necessary to clean his wounds and just his body in general, it was often a difficult and time-consuming task, but Shizuo didn't mean. Despite how awkward the entire thing was.

When he re-entered his bedroom, Izaya had already set aside his phone and was sitting up and waiting for him. He turned his head when Shizuo entered the room and managed a small smile for him.

It nearly broke Shizuo's heart.

Despite all of his injuries, Izaya was beautiful. The dim light filtering in through the window and from the lamp through his features into surprisingly warm relief, the bruises fading out and he looked... healthy. Or at least his skin did. The bandages remained stark white in contrast, however.

Shaking himself out of that, Shizuo focused on the task at hand. He could admire the other later, once he was asleep and couldn't see it if he broke down.

Very carefully, he scooped Izaya up into his arms. He was mindful of the leg that was encased in a cast and the wounds on his sides that were healing over but would leave scars. Cradling Izaya against his chest, he slowly made his way out of the room. It didn't escape him that Izaya almost instinctively curled closer to his chest, one of his arms hesitantly sliding around his neck to better support himself.

He'd left the bathroom door open and the shower door was also open so that he could set Izaya inside the stall. The informant let him place him on the cool tile, shivering a little as he tried to help Shizuo remove the loose sweat pants from around his waist.

Removing the cast took a little more work. He undid all of the velcro straps and carefully pulled off the front panel and gently eased Izaya's leg out of the cast and gently set it on the ground.

It didn't escape his notice that Izaya flinched as he did so.

“Sorry.”

Izaya shook his head and gave him a weak smile as though to say _it's alright_. He leaned into Shizuo's touch as the blond softly cupped his cheek in apology before taking his hand gently in his and giving it a comforting squeeze.

“This might hurt.”

Picking up the scissors, Shizuo carefully snipped the bandages on Izaya's arm and began the long task of unwinding them. As the bandages came free – Shizuo having to be careful to not cause anymore damage than was already done – they revealed bruised, burned, and cut skin. They were healing, some better than others, but the deeper gashes would leave scars and the burns would probably leave marks of some kind or another.

Despite that, it took a lot of effort for Shizuo to fight back his anger. He had to focus on Izaya, not on how he wanted to tear the bastards who did this limb from limb – and he no doubts that he could do that but Izaya was far more important.

Before he could continue with his work, Izaya caught his hand in both of his. Something in Shizuo's demeanour must have tipped the brunette off to his thoughts. He opened his mouth but Shizuo placed his hand over it before he could even attempt to say anything.

“No talking. Doctor's orders.” Not to mention the pain that it would cause.

Izaya closed his mouth and frowned, but then flipped Shizuo's hand over in his and carefully began tracing out what he wanted to say on the blond's palm.

 _I'm sorry._

“What are you apologizing for?” Shizuo blinked.

 _You're angry. It's my fault. I'm sorry that I'm forcing you to go through this._

“Izaya...” Oh fuck, what was he supposed to say to that? “None of this is your fault, got it? Don't ever say that it is.”

 _But–_

“No. It's _**not**_ your fault. I'm not angry at you – I–” _Could never be angry at you. Can't you see how much this hurts me? Let me help, please, I love you._ “–know this is not your fault. We'll get through this.” _I promise._

 _Thank you._

The rest of the activity was done in silence. Shizuo keeping his anger tightly lidded inside of him and doing his best to be supportive and comforting to Izaya. The words that he wanted to say kept burning at the back of his throat but he couldn't say them.

It just didn't seem to be the right time.

He could wait.

Re-bandaging all of the wounds took time and quite a lot of concentration on Shizuo's part. He had to make sure that they were snug but not so much that they'd cut off the circulation. Izaya was practically falling asleep against him by the time he was finished, but he didn't mind that so much. Once he was done he only paused to throw the old bandages into the garbage by the sink before gently scooping Izaya up into his arms.

Maybe it was just the worry and fear and love getting to him, but the way Izaya fit in his arms just felt so _**right**_.

And the way that he just curled into Shizuo made his heart flutter wildly in his chest and shoved all of that anger away. He tightened his arms around Izaya just a little more, holding him just a little bit closer.

Izaya was practically asleep by the time that he was gently laying him back down in bed, but his hands were fisted tightly in Shizuo's shirt. Carefully disengaging them, Shizuo leaned down and very hesitantly pressed his lips to the ex-informant's as he tucked him in. The words slipped past his lips.

“I love you.”

 **.:-o-:. .:-o-:. .:-o-:.**

  
- _Last night... he said he loved me._ -

If she'd had a head, then Celty would have been frowning. As it was she just typed up a message. [ _And?_ ]

- _He was gone before I woke up this morning. I didn't get to ask him about it._ -

[ _Well, it was kind of obvious. That he loves you._ ]

Izaya was trembling as he typed up a response. - _How? I..._ -

Placing her hand over his, Celty stopped him from completing that message. Her touch was cool and reassuring, so different from Shizuo's Izaya realized with a shock. When had that happened?

[ _He always has. I can tell. It just took the realization that he nearly could have lost you for him to recognize that._ ] Celty paused before typing up a fresh message. [ _And how do you feel about him?_ ]

- _I don't know... I'm scared that I could... I could be putting him in danger._ -

[ _And? Shizuo doesn't care. He wants you to be safe._ ] Celty inched her chair closer to the bed. [ _He blames himself for what happened._ ]

That made Izaya freeze. How could Shizuo feel that way? This was _**his**_ fault; his for being weak, for being unable to protect himself, for being so stupid. Shizuo had nothing to do with any of this. It was... all his fault...

 _”You're a pretty one, we'll have to thank them for sending you later!”_

His heart leapt up and pounded wildly in his throat, eyes wide but unseeing, palms sweating. No. _No. Don't take me back there... I don't want to go back there. Save me, save me, save me! Shizuo!_

Hands were on his shoulders. _No! **NO!** Let go of me! **Let me go!**_

He tried to lash out, pushing away from the one holding him, but they held him fast and that only made it worse. Izaya could feel his breathing become shallow and he felt light-headed. Everything hurt but he ignored it.

Pain. Pain. It was overwhelming.

He had to get away. Had to. Not safe.

Not safe... not safe... Needed to...

 _Shizuo...!_

He must have passed out at some point because by the time that he opened his eyes again, Shizuo was sitting at his side and there was no sign of Celty. A quick glance out the window told him that night had already fallen. Just how long had he been unconscious?

The blond looked tired. Tired and worried. His eyes were clouded and watching Izaya closely; relief seemed to seep through him when he saw that he was awake.

“Hey.” His voice was rough and, now that Izaya looked closer, his eyes were red and just a little bit puffy. Had he been crying?

 _I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you..._

“How are you feeling?” Shizuo looked worried; well, he looked worried and ragged.

Fingers gently pushed back stray hair from Izaya's face, and he leaned into the touch. Shizuo meant safety, warmth, protection... _**love**_.

Was he taking advantage of Shizuo? He didn't know.

Izaya blinked, realizing belatedly that Shizuo had asked him a question. His phone was pressed into his hands, Shizuo's fingers lingering just a little on the back of his knuckles and again Izaya was reminded of just how different his touch was to, say, Celty's. The realization was still fresh in his mind.

After a few fumbling attempts with the keys, Izaya managed to type out a response.

- _What happened?_ \- He was evading the question, he knew that. He didn't want to think about how he felt, not when... not when he was so confused and unsure.

“I don't really know. Celty was in a panic when she messaged me – said that you started panicking and attacking her. Apparently she got a hold of Shinra too and he said to give you a sedative – which she did and no I don't know why that was here.” Shizuo gently took Izaya's hands in his, giving them a comforting squeeze. “I was worried. I thought – I thought something might have happened.”

- _I'm sorry._ -

“This isn't your fault.” God, was that going to become his mantra? Izaya wished he wouldn't say it with such sincerity because it _**was**_ completely his fault and he knew that. Why couldn't Shizuo see that?

“Izaya, please I...”

And he just could not take that, could not take seeing Shizuo so broken and hurt and lost. It crushed something inside of him and he felt something that felt distinctly warm swell in his chest.

Weakly he wrapped his arms around Shizuo's neck and pulled him towards him as tightly as he could. For a very brief moment, Shizuo froze, but then his arms were around him and Izaya found himself almost dragged into Shizuo's lap.

The last message Izaya typed up went unread.

- _I love you._ -


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 3693 words

The next morning, Shizuo woke up to find Izaya curled up around him. Their legs were tangled together and, at the very least, he was relieved to find that they were still fully clothed. Izaya needed his support and, maybe, his love; what he didn't need was exposure to Shizuo's hormones.

No. He wouldn't take advantage of Izaya like that.

His phone vibrated on the night stand. Huh. He couldn't remember leaving it there...

The brunette who was sharing his bed cuddled closer to him, hands fisted in his shirt and looking so peaceful and innocent and beautiful. Shizuo paused for a long moment to watch him, momentarily forgetting about his phone.

Eventually the annoying vibrations of his phone on his night stand won out. Shizuo reached out and grabbed it, flicking it open to find no less than three messages. One was from Celty, the other two were from Tom.

[ _Sorry about yesterday. How is Izaya? I hope that he's feeling better..._ ]

He sent her a message that basically amounted to: _Yeah, he should be fine; don't worry about it._

The two from Tom were asking where he was and if he was late because of whatever was going on in his personal life. Oh, Shizuo felt guilty about withholding information from him, but if it meant protecting Izaya... he would do anything for him.

He told Tom that he would be there shortly and apologized for being late.

The only problem was that he _**really**_ didn't want to get out of bed. He was entirely too comfortable where he was.

Replacing his phone on the night stand, Shizuo sighed and settled back down next to Izaya. He knew he'd have to get up soon and get ready for work, but right then he just wanted to hold the brunette close to him.

It was just a little startling for him to realize just how small and fragile Izaya felt in his arms. His fingers cared gently through the other's hair as he watched him sleep; his features were relaxed and he looked so much younger than he actually was. Despite the yellowed bruises and solitary visible eye, he was still, well, beautiful.

Slowly, he reached up and traced the bottom of the bandage with his thumb. His skin felt soft and smooth under his fingers.

Izaya hadn't been back to his apartment in god knows how long and neither Shizuo nor Celty wanted to wander over there. So instead Shizuo had pulled out some old clothes from the back of his wardrobe for the informant to wear. Not that Izaya was complaining; that morning he was wearing an old shirt of Shizuo's and a borrowed pair of boxers that the blond had never worn. Given the differences in their heights and builds, Izaya was practically swimming in the clothes.

The collar of the shirt kept slipping off his shoulders, revealing bandages and an expanse of pale skin that was marred with bruises.

His observations came to an abrupt halt when he noticed that a sleepy red eye was watching him.

“Did I wake you up?” It was only a little past nine; not too early. Still, Izaya did need rest.

The brunette shook his head slowly and cocked his head to the side, looking up at Shizuo even as he snuggled just a little bit closer. His hands were fisted tightly in the wrinkled fabric of the blond's shirt and he probably wasn't going to be letting go any time soon.

“Have you been awake long?”

Izaya shook his head.

“I've got work today you know.”

The brunette's hands tightened their grip on his clothes but he nodded nonetheless.

Still, Shizuo felt like he had to ask, “Are you going to be okay? I can–”

He felt the brunette nod, and dear god, he fucking missed his voice so much. Almost instinctively, he tightened his arms around Izaya and pulled him closer. The informant relaxed, practically _**melted**_ , into his arms.

With some effort, and a lot of reassuring and gentle touches, he managed to extricate himself from Izaya. The brunette gave him a sad sort of look before curling back up in the blankets and watching him as he went about getting ready for work in a rush. He chucked his clothes in the vague direction of the hamper in the corner of the room before pulling out fresh clothes from the closet.

After quickly brushing his teeth, Shizuo went back to his room to check on Izaya one last time before he left for the day. When he returned, he found that the brunette had found his phone from where it had fallen to the ground the night before and was cradling it in his hands.

“Do you need anything? I could make the couch up for you if you wanted to watch some TV while I'm gone.”

- _If it's not too much trouble._ -

“Alright.”

It took a few minutes to arrange pillows and blankets on the couch along with a big glass of water and the antibiotics that Izaya had to take on a nearby table. Then it was just a matter of picking up the brunette and carrying him the short distance from the bedroom to the living room. Shizuo could have managed him with one arm, but it was simply safer to use both.

“I'll come back around one or so with lunch.” Shizuo settled the slighter man onto the couch, making sure that he was comfortably tucked in. “Do you need anything else?”

- _No, I'm fine._ -

“Do you want me to bring back anything?”

- _No. And whatever you want for lunch is fine with me._ -

“Okay, if anything happens you'll let me know, right? Celty can't stop by today so...”

- _It's fine. Tell her... I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. It didn't have anything to do with her._ -

“Yeah, I let her know that you're alright but I'll pass that along.” Shizuo frowned, “But you'll text me if something happens or you need me, right?”

- _I will._ -

“Promise?”

Izaya pouted but acquiesced quickly enough. - _Promise._ -

“Good, I'll see you later.”

He leaned down, gently cupping the back of Izaya's head so that he could press his lips to his forehead just as he had every morning.

This time, though, Izaya tipped his head back and managed to catch the blond's lips with his own in a short, chaste kiss.

It was more of a brush of lips than an actual kiss but it still left Shizuo pulling back, eyes wide. He could feel his cheeks burning – _did he actually...? Was that me?! Oh god, fuck! Did I mess this up?!_

Izaya's cheeks were a pale pink and Shizuo watched as he shakily pressed his fingers to his lips and, much to his shock, _**smiled**_ just a little. Wait – what?

“Izaya – you–”

The brunette grinned and then almost seemed to giggle silently to himself before quickly typing up a message which he flashed at Shizuo. - _If you don't leave now then you're going to be late~!_ -

“Huh? Ah, fuck!” Shizuo yanked on his shoes and snagged his keys, rushing out the door and not even pausing to say a proper goodbye to Izaya; just calling over his shoulder that he'd see him later and that he'd bring lunch.

As he left his apartment building and made a beeline for the stairs, he couldn't help but smile a little at the thought of Izaya's face. He hadn't seen him look so young, so... beautiful and, dare he say it, innocent. For him, it was a relief to see and it made his heart swell in his chest in a way that it hadn't for days. It felt... like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

He was jerked out of his thoughts by his phone vibrating in his pocket. Pulling it out, he saw that the ID attached to it was Izaya's. Frowning, he opened the message, wondering if maybe he'd done something to upset the brunette or if he'd forgotten something at home.

That, though, wasn't the case.

- _I think I love you too._ -

He was still grinning like a love-struck idiot and re-reading that message on his phone when he met up with Tom. Maybe the perps would be in for a bit of luck today; he was in a pretty good mood. Though, giving that a little more thought, he doubted it.

Tom raised an eyebrow when he saw him, but said nothing about the stupid grin that he was wearing. It was something to be glad for, Shizuo wasn't exactly sure how he could explain it.

Luckily, the morning passed by smoothly and Shizuo managed to escape it with his good mood intact. If he was a young girl then he probably would have been skipping down the street and _**giggling**_ for fuck's sake, but since he wasn't instead he just settled for the little dopey grin as he went off to grab something from Russian Sushi for lunch.

Maybe a little celebration was in order.

Screw it, he'd pick up some cupcakes and candles on his way home too.

 **.:-o-:. .:-o-:. .:-o-:.**

  
“Something up?” Tom asked when Shizuo rejoined him after lunch.

Izaya had still been awake when he'd returned home with food and to check on the brunette. He'd been a little flustered about that morning, but in the end the two of them had wound up cuddling together on the couch and eating lunch. And yeah, it was a little bit awkward since they had to be careful because of Izaya's wounds, but Shizuo didn't mind so much. Izaya was alive and that was all that mattered.

He hadn't realized just how big of a stupid grin he was wearing or the strange bounce in his step. And okay, it was really hard to admit that it would probably only get worse if he and Izaya actually went any farther with their relationship.

Maybe he did look like a guy who'd just gotten laid – even though that was the farthest thing from the truth.

“Huh? Not really...” Shizuo gave a sheepish little shrug.

“Bull, I've known you for years; something's up.” Tom smiled just a little, “Finally find a girl?”

“Tch, _**no**_.”

Tom shrugged, “Well, so long as you're in a good mood...”

Shizuo was glad that the subject was dropped; he wasn't sure how to go about explaining that Izaya was living with him and that they'd very tentatively started a relationship together. He didn't want to explain whatever hell the brunette had suffered through, just because he didn't want to drag up memories – and also partly because he didn't have all of the facts himself.

Yeah, he knew Tom and trusted him, but this was just something that he wasn't ready to share. Not quite yet.

It was late in the evening, close to the end of his shift, when his phone went off in his pocket. And, of course, it was from Izaya. He had to suppress a grin when he saw his name flash up on the small screen.

- _Who else besides Celty has a key to your place?_ -

Shizuo frowned before typing in his response and sending it, - _Kasuka, why?_ -

- _When do you get off shift?_ -

A quick glance at the clock on his phone told him that, - _Twenty minutes, why? Is something wrong?_ -

- _I'm pretty sure your brother is giving me what amounts to a dirty look. Coming from him at least. I don't know what to do..._ -

Well fuck. He hadn't expected that Kasuka would stop by. Usually he'd either call or text or something before he stopped by, but sometimes he didn't. Maybe that was a Heiwajima thing; unexpected visits.

His phone went off again.

- _Will you be home soon?_ -

- _Yeah, I will. Did Kasuka say anything?_ \- He paused before sending off another message, - _Are you alright?_ -

- _He hasn't really said anything – he's ignoring all my questions. But he won't stop watching me. I... I'm fine, just... I want you here._ -

Well, that just sucked. He'd kind of hoped to put off telling Kasuka about this for as long as possible just because he was pretty sure that his younger brother wouldn't take it too well. Kasuka could hold a grudge for a long time when he felt it was warranted. And besides that, he was as stubborn as a mule. Another Heiwajima trait.

There went his good mood for the day. The last twenty minutes of his shift seemed to drag on, leaving him uncomfortable and stuck imagining the possibilities of what could be going on back at his apartment.

Shizuo wasn't stupid; he knew that Izaya could do nothing to defend himself at that moment, and if he wasn't careful than he could actually injure himself further. And while he was confident that Kasuka wouldn't actually _**do**_ anything to _**physically**_ harm Izaya, he knew that his brother could be much more cruel with his words.

The moment his shift was finished, he bid Tom a hasty goodbye before turning on his heel and practically racing home.

Oh yes, his mind was far too cruel; furnishing him with all sorts of horrible snippets of what Kasuka could say to Izaya. He would know all too well how to tear the ex-informant apart. His heart was thudding wildly in his chest and he was breathing heavily.

He had enough sense left to send Izaya a quick message to let him know that he was on his way home.

When he got home, he was practically on the verge of a panic attack, although he managed to maintain an outwardly calm demeanour. The only sign of his panic was the wild thudding of his heart and the slight tremor of his hands.

Unlocking the door, he quickly toed off his shoes and chucked his keys onto the small table.

Izaya was sitting exactly where he'd left him, much to his relief, but the bandages around his neck were pooled in a heap on his lap. Without them, the scabbed, torn-up skin of his neck was visible, ugly in how it was only half-healed and a reminder of the hell that he'd been forced through. His hands were in his lap too, trembling as they held his phone.

On the other end of the couch was Kasuka, looking as impartial and uncaring as ever. He'd turned his head towards Shizuo when he entered.

“I didn't think you were going to stop by,” he addressed Kasuka as he slowly walked over; steps measured as he carefully took a seat between the two brunette's. It didn't escape him that Izaya shifted closer to him, pressing against him. “You could've called. Or at least sent a message.”

“It was a last minute visit. I didn't think that you would mind.” Kasuka blinked, his voice dropped just a little as he continued, “I didn't think that you'd have... company.”

“Oh.” Shizuo turned to Izaya, frowning at him – although the expression was gentler than usual, as was his tone. “You weren't supposed to take those off, do you want them to get infected?”

“He took them off to prove that he couldn't speak,” Kasuka interrupted. “They look self-inflicted.”

Both Shizuo and Izaya froze.

Shizuo's voice was almost deadly when he responded, “Did he shatter his own leg too?”

“He could be faking it,” Kasuka reasoned, all in that same placid tone of voice. “Or he could have paid someone to do it. You know how he is Shizuo; always manipulating people for his own ends.”

Izaya was shaking and tears were very visible in his eyes as Kasuka continued to speak. He bit his lip, trying to keep himself from crying as his shoulders started to shake as he tried to suppress his own sobs. His fingers were violently trembling as he tried to type out a message.

- _Shizu-chan... you don't–_ -

He was interrupted as the blond placed his hand over both Izaya's and his phone, squeezing them comfortingly as he smiled.

“He didn't.”

Kasuka's lips twitched into a very tiny frown, “You can't possibly believe that.”

“I do.”

“After everything he has put you through over the years – framing you for crimes, provoking you into fights, and being exceptionally cruel to you – you actually believe him?”

“No one would ever let anyone do what was done to him.”

Shizuo could still remember all of the blood, all of the wounds, the list that Shinra had given him when he'd asked of all of the wounds that Izaya had been dealt... all of that was burned into his memory. He couldn't forget that broken look in Izaya's eyes, or the way he'd curled instinctively towards Shizuo's body whenever he slept.

“You can't possibly know that.”

“I know this. He needs me.”

“Even after everything he's put you through, you think that he deserves this?”

Shakily, Izaya held up a message. - _He's right you know._ -

“No.” Shizuo's hand tightened around Izaya's. He could feel his anger thrumming below the surface; maybe not completely righteous anger – he hadn't forgotten what Izaya had put him through – but he just couldn't take his brother badmouthing Izaya, not when he was so fragile and broken and needed him so desperately.

Not when he'd only just realized that he loved him.

“He deserves this,” Shizuo replied stiffly; his anger was nearly palpable. “I haven't forgotten anything, but that doesn't change the fact that he still needs me and that he does deserve a second chance.”

Kasuka's eyebrow twitched upwards, incredulously, “I somehow highly doubt that. He could still be doing this to take advantage of you Shizuo. You're far too kind for your own good.”

The younger Heiwajima sibling stood up stiffly, coat slung over his arm. “You should have simply called the police, let him deal with the consequences of his actions; not take him in and treat him as though he's the victim here. He's _**not**_. And he never will be.”

Next to him, Izaya was practically shaking and he refused to meet Shizuo's eyes, pulling away from him and into himself. _Fuck, he doesn't actually believe that, does he?!_

He couldn't believe that he was about to do this.

“Get out Kasuka.”

It was taking all of his strength, all of his self-control to just hold back and not do something that he would horribly regret later, but he just couldn't deal with his brother right then. Not when he was doing so much damage to an Izaya that he was just beginning to slowly patch back together. He was on his feet, taking up a protective stance between the two brunettes as though that would make a difference.

“So that's it. You're choosing him.” Kasuka was already heading towards the door, he paused with his hand on the doorknob. “Just remember that I did tell you.”

And with that, he left.

Shizuo stood there for several long moments, too shocked to do much else. His mind was trying to catch up and process every single consequence that could happen because of what Kasuka had said, what could go wrong... Izaya had just started to show some signs of maybe being able to regain some form of normalcy, had that all be wrecked now?

A loud thud broke him out of his thoughts and he whirled around.

Izaya had managed to drag himself off of the couch, but since he couldn't support his own weight he'd just fallen to the ground in a heap and was trying to drag himself off with his arms. His face was twisted up in pain – both emotional and physical – and there were tears in his eye, spilling over and running down his cheek.

“Fuck.” Falling to his knees, Shizuo reached towards the brunette. His heart throbbed painfully as Izaya tried weakly to push him away, flinching at his touch.

Gently, Shizuo pulled the trembling brunette to his chest; pinning the other's arms against his body. He felt Izaya's hands clench in the fabric of his shirt as he gave in, weeping silently; his shoulders shook violently from the force of his sobs and he clung to Shizuo tightly as though terrified that he would pull away and throw him out.

“Hey, hey... shhh... it's alright.” He felt as though he was comforting a small child, rubbing Izaya's back in comforting circles. “It's alright... I'm not going to leave you.”

If nothing else, Izaya seemed to cling to him tighter.

The two of them stayed like that for hours, Shizuo simply holding Izaya and comforting him as best he could and hoping that Kasuka hadn't just sent him back somewhere that he didn't want to be. Fuck, no matter what he'd done, Izaya didn't deserve that – no matter how justified it might have been.

Rubbing his back soothingly, Shizuo scooped Izaya up into his arms gently. He pressed his lips to the brunette's temple, whispering, “I love you.”

Eventually, Izaya simply cried himself to sleep. But his one visible eye was still puffy and a bit swollen, his cheek stained with tears; the bandage covering the other had probably absorbed all of the escaping moisture. It wouldn't surprise him.

Very gently, Shizuo slid an arm under Izaya's knees and scooped him up into his arms. It never ceased to make his heart flutter and his chest fill with warmth when he felt just how easily the other fit against him, as though they were made for each other. Maybe they were. Shizuo had been harbouring a number of 'cheesy' thoughts for the past few weeks, mostly to keep him distracted from just how close he'd come to losing the brunette.

He was allowed that much, he was sure.

Settling the brunette down in bed, Shizuo straightened up and removed his tie and vest; chucking them in a corner of the room that was relatively close to the laundry hamper. He'd worry about it later. He crawled into bed alongside the brunette, sliding his arms around him as he curled protectively around him.

Yes. They fit together perfectly, of that he was sure.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 5045 words

He was right. The next few days were difficult. And that was, arguably, putting it lightly.

No matter what coaxing Shizuo used, he simply couldn't get the brunette to leave bed. And he was refusing to eat too, which had the blond constantly pestering him to at least eat something or drink. It was as though he was fighting a constant battle with the brunette, who had obviously taken Kasuka's words to heart.

Once again, it felt like he was back in that place of before; petrified that, at any moment, if he took his eyes off the other, he'd lose him forever. It felt like his heart was being torn in two.

Kasuka had sent him a solitary message, apologizing for hurting Shizuo, but there was no mention of Izaya.

That message had promptly been deleted. Shizuo wasn't in the mood or right frame of mind to deal with his brother right then. He'd probably say or do something that he'd regret later – like punching him.

 _Why did he have to show up now of all times? Couldn't he have waited just a few more months? I could've..._

No. The words still would have had their intended effect on Izaya, just... Shizuo would have been in a better position to mitigate their results.

Because no matter what he said, it was like he was talking to a brick wall. Point of fact, it seemed as though everything he said in an effort to convince the brunette to do anything was just hurting him _**more**_ and that was really cutting him to the bone.

He was really turning into an emotional wreck. It was starting to become noticeable; from his frayed temper to how exhausted he felt and looked to the amount of pain that seemed to constantly throbbing in his chest.

And it was getting worse.

- _Just go. You don't need me._ \- That was the message that Izaya had sent him. He wasn't even actually 'talking' to Shizuo anymore, just lying in bed until the blond left, sending him a brief message sometimes. They were always the same.

Each one broke his heart a little more.

Both Celty and Tom seemed to realize something was up. Shizuo was just grateful that the latter seemed content to let the matter lie, not bringing it up in conversation at all even though he was clearly concerned about Shizuo. He was probably afraid of the can of barely contained violence that he might force open if he pressed the issue.

Which was good, Shizuo wasn't sure how he'd go about explaining the complicated turn that his relationship with Izaya had taken.

Celty, on the other hand, was a completely different matter altogether.

[ _Something's wrong._ ]

“Fuck, what _**hasn't**_ gone wrong?”

The two of them were sitting in a little park, tucked away from the crowd. Shizuo was well-aware that he looked like shit – dark circles under his eyes and hair looking more dishevelled than usual. His clothes could probably go for a wash too.

[ _Did something happen with Izaya? Did... his condition hasn't worsened has it?_ ]

“You could say that,” Shizuo growled, angrily stamping out the fourth cigarette that he'd started since the headless woman had cornered him. He was pissed off and on edge with no idea what the hell he was supposed to do next – he'd fucking tried everything already.

He wasn't about to drink himself into a stupor, but if anything went wrong, if Izaya... then nothing would dull that ache, even temporarily.

[ _What happened?_ ]

Shizuo sighed, tangling his hand in his hair, “Kasuka.”

If Celty had a head, she would have been frowning, Shizuo was sure of that; as it was, she said nothing.

“I don't – fuck. What the hell am I supposed to fucking do?! No matter what I fucking try, he's always pushing me away! I can barely get him to eat, he won't even fucking _**talk**_ to me anymore... I just... what the fuck does he want me to do?! I can't think of anything else to do...”

Gently, Celty placed a hand over his, giving it a comforting squeeze.

[ _I may not be an expert, but I think that maybe you should try talking to him about this. I know that it might seem frustrating, especially at first, but you shouldn't give up on him – on both of you – so easily. You're strong. I know you can pull through this._ ]

“Yeah, I thought that too. Now... I'm not so sure.”

Celty's hand tightened around his. [ _You have to try. You'll hate yourself more if you never do. Prove to Izaya that you love him – despite whatever it was that Kasuka said._ ]

“That's easier said than done,” Shizuo grumbled. “I keep telling him that, I keep trying to get him to eat, to get him out of bed each day... but no matter what I do, he always fights me every step of the way...”

 _He's given up, I'm terrified that I might lose him..._

Wordlessly, Celty tucked her PDA away and slid an arm around the blond's shoulders in an awkward hug. Shizuo leaned into it, accepting the comfort. He needed it, desperately.

Izaya was always pushing him away whenever Shizuo tried to do anything... it cut the blond so much deeper than he thought it ever could. Each beat was painful, as though his heart was trying to tear itself out of his chest.

He would do that. For Izaya. He would. Anything. For him.

 _I love you. You might not believe me, but I do. I love you so much that it hurts._

 **.:-o-:. .:-o-:. .:-o-:.**

  
Izaya rolled over, staring at the bright numbers of Shizuo's alarm clock; hours had passed since the blond had left. Squeezing his eyes closed, he tried to block out the look he'd given him before he'd left, practically begging him to eat... to get out of bed... to say _**something**_ to him.

There was no denying that it hurt.

But this... he deserved this. Kasuka hadn't said anything that wasn't true, he'd been fooling himself to think that he might have been able to... to be happy. For once in his life, he had let himself believe that was possible, but that wasn't going to happen. No, he didn't deserve it.

Shizuo, however, did. He deserved better than this, than what he could give him.

 _He wants me though... doesn't he...?_ Oh, who was he asking that? Shizuo had made it so painfully clear these past few days that all he wanted was him. For him to be happy and feel loved, that was most important to him. Izaya knew that.

It hurt him to push Shizuo away, but he had no idea what else he could do. He didn't want to hurt Shizuo – really, he didn't – but he also was finding it harder to grasp that accepting that love of his was right. Kasuka had been right, after everything that he'd done, did he really deserve the chance to have a happy ending of his own?

That was something he struggled with. He wanted to make Shizuo happy, but he didn't believe that he himself deserved it. But Shizuo wanted him. It was all so confusing.

His phone lay on the night stand, he had barely touched it in days. It glared at him, as though it too was blaming him for the turn his life had taken and the dilemma that he was facing.

 _I love you._

Why did three simple words have to carry so much weight? He could say them and mean them, but did that mean that he could accept them being said to him in return? Would it be possible for Shizuo to move on? To forget about him?

The thought of that made his heart contract painfully in his chest, it felt as though it would just tear itself apart at the picture of Shizuo falling in love with someone and finding that happiness with them. He clenched his hand over his heart and curled up into a tight ball, trying so hard not to let himself cry.

That was... why did that have to hurt so much? He wanted that, didn't he?

No, he didn't, but he thought he deserved that. The pain would be worth it if it meant that Shizuo would be happy.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't hear the apartment door opening and closing, nor the sound of the bedroom door opening. He was too lost to his pain.

Celty appeared at the side of the bed, nearly making him jump out of his skin at her sudden appearance, and he let out a raspy little noise that probably would have passed for a scream. She was trembling and both of her hands were clenched tightly into fists. He couldn't reach his phone without reaching past her and he really wasn't sure if that was a good idea.

It took her a few minutes to gather herself together, letting her shaking relax before she pulled out her PDA and typed out a message.

[ _Kasuka is full of shit. Don't listen to anything he said to you or about you. It does not matter._ ]

He stared at her, unable to respond. But Celty wasn't finished quite yet.

[ _Shizuo told me about what happened and I know that you've been pushing him away no matter how hard he tries to get you to open up. Please stop that. I know that you're only hurting him and yourself with this._ ]

She sat down on the bed next to him so that they were sitting side by side as she continued to type frantically away at her PDA. Izaya thought he might get dizzy from how fast her fingers were moving – it was inhuman.

[ _He loves you. Whatever Kasuka said to you about not deserving this or anything like that, forget about it. Everyone worries about that. Even me. Love is not... It is not about this feel of entitlement or feeling that someone deserves more; it's about making someone else happy. You make him happy._ ]

He wanted to cry; his shoulders were trembling.

[ _I know that you might think and feel that you might not deserve this, but you do. There was never anything that Shizuo had to forgive you for – he loves you._ ]

Very carefully, Celty slid an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a gentle one-armed hug; his head came to rest against her shoulder as she showed him her final message.

[ _And I've forgiven you too. Take this chance for yourself and no one else._ ]

Without saying anything, Izaya let her pull him into her arms as she tucked her PDA away. She held him to her like a mother would a small child, his face buried in her shoulder as he cried. Her arms were wrapped around him and she gently stroked his back as he sobbed without any noise, but his shoulders shook violently.

He wasn't sure how long the two of them remained like that – it could have been hours or minutes or seconds – but he found that he didn't care. Celty was warm and welcoming, but different from Shizuo; there was a coolness to her touch that was absent from the blond's. He'd noted this before, but it still surprised him that he was so familiar with the other's touch.

It made him cry harder.

Eventually, though, his sobs and tears wound down until he couldn't cry anymore. Celty was still stroking his back comfortingly and holding him close as he tried to calm himself with shaky breaths.

With a single quick movement, she formed a small square of black cloth with her shadow. Gently, like a mother would with a small child, she wiped the tears from his face and cleaned his face before dispersing it into wherever she kept it. He wasn't sure he wanted to think about that – it was just too difficult to wrap his mind around, especially at that moment.

His head felt like a herd of horses had stampeded over it and all he wanted to do was lie down and go back to sleep for a few hours until it stopped hurting.

Without his phone, all he could do take her hand in both of his and tracing out with his finger a single word.

 _Why?_

Celty's PDA made another sudden appearance, her fingers sure as she typed up her message.

[ _Because we are a family._ ]

That was... certainly not what he'd been expecting. Celty seemed to understand that, because she sighed – or at least seemed to, since she had no head – and continued by typing up a new message.

[ _Family looks after one another. If it is within my power, then I will help you. No matter what. The same goes for Shizuo._ ] She paused for a quick moment, before adding to that statement. [ _If you ever need someone to talk to – about anything – I am here for you. As is Shinra. And Shizuo._ ]

He glanced away, as though to say, _Why do you think I deserve this...?_

[ _No matter what happened, none of it was your fault; you are the victim here Izaya. Never forget that. Whatever Kasuka said, was not true. Shizuo doesn't believe a word of it, that is what he wants you to know. It might be hard to accept, but try to._ ]

He bit his lip. Could he do that? He wanted to.

Sighing, Izaya nodded. At the very least, he could try; no matter how deeply Kasuka's words had cut him, it was wrong of him to inflict his pain and torment on Shizuo. Not when the blond was doing everything that he could to help him, not when he loved him as much as he did.

If he could make the blond happy just by returning that sentiment, then that was what he would do. Even if he didn't feel like he deserved it.

All that mattered was making Shizuo happy. That was the most important thing to him.

Celty had released him, helping him to sit up and still dabbing at his eyes that refused to stop crying. He tried batting away at her hands, but his were still covered in bandages and she easily managed to subdue him with a stern look from her helmet – though it was more an impression than an actual look since she lacked a head. Honestly, she felt like the mother he'd never had.

It was too hard to try and stop crying, so he didn't bother and eventually Celty stopped dabbing at his cheeks and handed him the handkerchief that she'd formed from those shadows of hers.

[ _Do you feel better now?_ ]

He frowned, not exactly sure what she meant.

[ _You seemed... depressed before. More so than usual._ ] Celty explained. [ _I was worried that you would do something stupid that would just end with you hurting both yourself and Shizuo._ ]

Maybe. He felt a little better now, like he could take a few baby steps forward. But it was awkward trying to have a one-sided conversation with someone; he wasn't used to having to communicate things with just his facial expressions and body language.

Reaching out, Izaya took Celty's free hand in his and traced out what he wanted to say.

 _I feel better. But... I think it will take time._

Celty nodded. [ _Take all the time that you need. We will be here for you._ ]

She flipped over her hand, grasping his tightly in hers; her PDA disappeared back up her sleeve and her other hand grasped his tightly. He could imagine her wearing a warm and comforting smile.

He wasn't sure how long the two of them stayed that way, but eventually the sound of a door opening and closing broke the silence that had fallen over the two of them. Celty glanced up at the bedroom door just as it creaked open.

Izaya didn't have to look to know who it was. He could feel Shizuo's stormy eyes locked on him as he entered the room. But he couldn't meet his eyes; the shame was eating at his insides.

Words kept tumbling around in his head as he tried to figure out what he was supposed to say to Shizuo that could possibly make up for how he had treated the other. And without his voice he felt more vulnerable than he'd ever felt before. He couldn't think of how to express how he felt in words, how sorry he was.

He wasn't sure it was possible to say all of that.

Very gently, Celty pulled away from Izaya as Shizuo walked over slowly, as though he was scared that the brunette would bolt – not like he was capable of that. Instead, Izaya stared at his hands; at the mass of bandages and bruised and healing skin that stared up at him.

Shizuo had saved him from all of that, offered him shelter and safety. The blond represented protection and had extended that to him without question. He owed him so much more.

Apologizing didn't seem like it would be enough to make up for... what he'd done recently. He wouldn't be surprised if the blond didn't forgive him for that. That would – it would hurt him so much but it he knew that he deserved it.

The blond knelt in front of him next to the bed. His eyes were unreadable, even without his sunglasses, as he watched him. There was a wariness there, and that same soft care and affection that had been there every time that he had looked at him. Slowly, he extended a hand towards the brunette.

For a few moments, Izaya was worried that Shizuo would do something drastic – maybe punch him or yell at him, he felt that he probably did deserve either after how cruel he had been to the blond. He flinched just a little when Shizuo reached for him, even though he knew he deserved it he was still afraid of pain.

The blond froze and there was a spark of pain in his eyes. Almost instantly he felt horrible about it, guilt sinking deeply into his stomach and twisting painfully. With trembling hands, he reached out and grasped Shizuo's hand in both of his.

 _I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you._

He traced out the words carefully, his fingers were still trembling and his vision was still a little blurred from tears that refused to stop falling.

Shizuo's hand tightened around both of Izaya's, catching the informant's fingers in his grip. It was gentle, but firm. How had he come to deserve this? No matter how hard he tried to figure that out, the answer always eluded him. He would just have to accept it and hope that he might find the answer one day.

The blond smiled at him, relieved that he was finally talking to him again. “What did I say about beating yourself up about this? None of it is your fault.”

Reaching out, Shizuo gently ruffled Izaya's hair before gently pulling him forward so that he could press his lips to his forehead and then into his arms. Unsurprisingly, Izaya very much felt as though he was going to break down again as those strong arms wrapped around him and pull him close; they were as gentle and warm as he remembered.

A small part of him wondered what the hell was wrong with him for pushing Shizuo away in the first place, but it was quickly silenced by the rest of him. Looking forward seemed to be the best – and the only – option for him.

Celty was calmly leaning against the wall, watching them. She seemed happy about this development and nodded at the both of them when they pulled apart, although Izaya kept a firm hold of one of Shizuo's hands.

Taking a deep breath to steady his hands, Izaya found that he still couldn't meet Shizuo's eyes. Very carefully, he traced out what he wanted to say.

 _Can you forgive me?_ Izaya's eyes were still burning and he bit down on his lip to keep himself from crying; his nerves were making his heart pound wildly in his chest.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Shizuo pulled his hand gently from his and trembled – still expecting some form of perhaps violent retribution for what he'd done – right up until Shizuo gently cupped his face in his hands, forcing him to look up at him.

The stormy eyes that Izaya was so familiar with were warm and full of love and he thought that his heart might explode. Shizuo's thumbs very gently brushed under his eyes, wiping away the tears that had gathered there and he was giving him a blinding smile.

“It's fine; there's nothing to forgive.”

Izaya sniffled, trying but failing to hold back another bout of tears. He'd cried so much over the past few weeks that he'd thought he was incapable of crying anymore, that they'd all dried up. Maybe he'd been afraid that Shizuo would get tired of him if he stayed a weeping mess, but all the blond did was smile at him and gently comfort him.

Eventually, Celty interrupted them after Izaya managed to calm himself down a little, wiping away his own tears a little clumsily. Shizuo was sitting on the bed next to him, one hand still stroking the brunette's cheek.

[ _I'm happy for the two of you. It's good to see that you worked this out; I was starting to get worried._ ] She cast what passed for a meaningful look at Shizuo – Izaya couldn't help but wonder what the blond might have done to make her worry so much, and he was a little nervous to ask about it.

There was a very good reason why Shizuo had the reputation that he did.

Unsure if he wanted to know or not, Izaya decided that it would be better to just let the subject drop. He knew well enough that while Celty was a horrible liar and would tell him the truth, Shizuo would try to downplay it to keep him from guilty. The lack of sleep and irritability he was already aware of, along with the hurt that had always been in the other's eyes.

Leaning forward, he snuggled close to Shizuo and ignored the small noise of surprise the blond made at his action. He hadn't slept properly the last few days, not even with Shizuo at his side; the nightmares kept tormenting him at the corners of his mind; he never could remember them when he woke up though.

That was probably for the best though; Izaya didn't want to remember.

“You alright?” Shizuo's arms dropped around him, rubbing his back comfortingly. His heart beat was calm and even; it beat with a steady rhythm under Izaya's cheek.

He nodded, letting his eyes drift closed. He was so tired... sleep sounded very appealing right then.

Celty's hand dropped to his shoulder – Izaya cracked an eye open, he hadn't heard her approach – and gave it a gentle squeeze. She flashed her PDA with a quick message at Shizuo before she turned to leave with a small wave at the two of them.

If he trusted his throat, he would have made a questioning noise, but instead he merely tilted his head up and looked up at Shizuo with a curious expression on his face. The light dusting of pink in the blond's cheeks didn't escape his notice, but he was unable to comment on it so he discarded the questions he had for the moment. Right then, he wanted to know what Celty had told him.

“Ah, um... Celty and Shinra are going to be coming for dinner tonight,” Shizuo explained, gently adjusting his hold on Izaya. “Do you think you're up for that? They'd understand if you'd rather rest.”

Even though he wasn't too happy about it, Izaya slowly pulled away from Shizuo and shuffled over a little on the bed to reach for his phone. His fingers fumbled with it for several moments and he missed it, forcing him to slide over a little more to grab it; nearly falling out of bed to do so.

Luckily, Shizuo's arms caught him before he fell. “Hey! Be careful will you?!”

Izaya frowned. - _Sorry._ -

“Just... try and be careful, alright? I don't want you to see you hurt yourself.” Shizuo gently tucked Izaya back under the covers, smoothing his large hands over the blankets. He slid up the bed to sit at the other's side, his hand resting lightly on Izaya's thigh. “Don't force me to have to peel you off the floor.”

Shooting the blond a dirty look, Izaya frowned. - _I wouldn't do that!_ -

“Good. So... do you feel up to having dinner with them? We won't be going out.”

- _I don't mind, but..._ -

Shizuo quirked a brow, “But...?”

- _Right now, I want to sleep. Will you stay with me?_ -

“Of course.”

Izaya grabbed his hand and tugged him down, noting the confused look on Shizuo's face that was there for a few brief seconds before he understood. Well, he had to give Shizuo more credit than he had; he did catch on rather quickly.

The blond lay down on the bed beside him, and Izaya discarded his phone to the night stand as he cuddled closer to the blond and slid one of his bandaged arms around the other while he was drawn into Shizuo's arms. He was warm and comfortable and alive; Izaya let his eyes drift closed as he relaxed against the other, letting him shift him in his arms to a better position.

He was sure that he didn't imagine the light press of lips to the top of his head before he drifted off into a, hopefully, dreamless sleep.

Shizuo watched as the brunette fell asleep, feeling all of the tension wash out of him; he felt too awake, with too much energy pulsing through him from his happiness.

Yes, he'd been worried that Izaya had taken Kasuka's words to heart and that there was a chance that he'd never be able to recover him from whatever dark place they had sent him to. That scared him more than anything else. It was why he'd made sure that every day before he left for work that all of the windows were firmly locked – he wasn't going to risk Izaya's safety on his fragile mental state.

Shinra had warned him about that risk; that it could become too much – especially if he _**did**_ regain his memories – for Izaya and that suicide could be a very viable possibility. Maybe it was selfish of him to hope, but he hoped that the very tentative relationship they'd begun would give Izaya enough of a reason to hold on and keep going.

No matter what happened, Shizuo knew that nothing could change how he felt about Izaya, not even what had been done to him.

 _What had been done to him..._

His rage hadn't diminished at all, Shizuo had just shoved it aside; Izaya was more important than revenge at that point. He didn't want to scare him, didn't want him to draw false conclusions about the source of his anger.

That Shinra had been firm on: _“Be careful about how you act around him, at this point he's in a very fragile state and there's the chance that anything could send him over the edge. Right now, just be supportive and caring. That's what he needs.”_

He sighed and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. That wasn't something that he needed to be thinking about. There was no point to rushing over the deep end and going into unstoppable rage to avenge the brunette who would never fully recover from this ordeal. True that he had gained some things, but that could not balance out what he lost.

Izaya would never be the same.

Whoever had taken him and hurt him was continuing on with their lives as though nothing had ever happened, probably gone on to hurt others just the same, leaving Shizuo to help the brunette pick up the pieces. Why couldn't there be just a little bit of retribution for that?

It just wasn't fair.

And stewing over this was not helping his mood whatsoever; in fact, it was making it worse. With rage starting to pump through him, he knew that he wouldn't be able to calm down if he didn't stop himself from focusing on it. That was a lot easier said than done; Shizuo had always had issues with controlling his rage – control which was practically non-existent at best.

But... he glanced down at Izaya who was curled up against him and sleeping peacefully. The bruises had faded to a dull shade of brownish-green, but the bandages were still a stark white against the other's pale skin.

Shizuo felt his heart calm and a feeling of warmth settle deep in his stomach and blossom upward. His anger abated slowly as he watched the brunette's peaceful face as he slept; the way his chest rose and fell in rhythm, how warm and slight he felt in his arms. Tightening his arms around him, he smiled as Izaya moved closer to him almost unconsciously, his hand fisting in the fabric of his vest.

He couldn't help it, a small smile pulled at his lips. Izaya looked so... adorable when he slept, so young.

Pressing his lips against Izaya's forehead, he watched as his face scrunched up just a little before his features smoothed out. He was still smiled as he settled in to watch Izaya sleep until Celty and Shinra showed up later with dinner.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 5056

He must have drifted off just a little, because it was his phone's alarm went off that jolted him out of the state of half-wakefulness that he'd been floating in. Luckily it had just been set on vibrate. With a sigh, he glanced down at Izaya who was still curled up next to him and fast asleep.

 _He's so cute..._

With a small smile, Shizuo carefully untangled himself from Izaya and climbed out of bed. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair was as well. Izaya showed no signs of waking up quite yet, so Shizuo quickly walked to the bathroom across the hall to run a brush through his hair quickly before he came back to change.

Contrary to popular belief, Shizuo _**did**_ own more clothes than just his signature bartender outfits. He just chose not to wear them.

Shrugging out of his vest and unbuttoning his shirt, he pulled out one of his tees from his closet along with a pair of dark-wash jeans that were a little wrinkled but were otherwise perfectly fine. Discarding his clothes in the laundry hamper, he noted that it was a little bit on the full side.

 _Guess that means there's a laundry run in the near future._

He pulled his tee on over his head before reaching for his pants, unbuttoning those and tossing them into the hamper as well before pulling on his jeans. Izaya was still asleep, but Shizuo still figured that maybe pulling out something fresh for him to wear would be a good idea; which meant digging through the back of his closet for something. Eventually, he found an old pair of sweat pants at the back along with an older tee.

Maybe he would have to ask Celty to pick up some clothes from – or maybe just buy some new ones. That seemed like a better idea. As paranoid as it sounded, enforcing the distance was a good idea just in case.

Once that was done, he left the clothes at the end of the bed while he woke Izaya up. Gently smoothing his hand over his shoulder, he pressed a quick kiss to his temple.

“Hey, time to wake up. Celty and Shinra should be here soon.”

The brunette's face wrinkled up for a moment before he just curled up into a tighter ball, murmuring something that Shizuo couldn't quite make out. He smiled but this wasn't a time where he'd be allowed to indulge him; Shinra _**would**_ want to check his bandages and change them when he got there.

Plus, he had dinner that he had to prepare. Celty could cook but... not having a head meant her cooking didn't come out exactly as she would've liked it to.

“Come on. You can go to bed early, but Shinra _**will**_ pester you until you wake up.” He waited a few moments for his words to sink before Izaya grumbled out something unintelligible and nodded. “How are you feeling?”

Blinking blearily, Izaya rolled over as he rubbed at his eyes. It took a little longer for Shizuo's question to register, but when it did he just gave a little shrug in response and reached out for the blond.

Shizuo smiled and helped Izaya sit up, indulging him just a little even though he knew that the brunette could – with some difficulty – push himself up. This was just easier and it lessened the risk of Izaya injuring himself further; which was the last thing either of them wanted.

“Sleep alright?”

All he got was a nod in response.

“Here, I got you something clean to wear. Do you want to change now or later?”

Izaya took his hand and traced out his answer, _Later. There's no point to get changed now if Shinra is going to be changing my bandages._

Shizuo nodded, “Alright. Is there anything you need right now?”

The brunette shook his head, but snuggled closer to Shizuo, who settled himself back on the edge of the bed, and yawned. Both of them just sat there in a comfortable silence until a loud knock at the door heralded the arrival of their dinner guests.

“Hang on, I'll get that. No moving.” Shizuo gave the brunette a very stern glare at that as he stood up.

In response, Izaya just rolled his eyes and made a little shooing gesture with his hands that very clearly said: _Just go and get the door you idiot._

With one more stern look, Shizuo left. He could clearly hear Shinra calling out to him to open the door, which was promptly cut off; probably because Celty had jabbed him in the gut for making a scene when it really wasn't necessary. He didn't particularly care.

Opening the door, he shot the underground doctor a bland look, “What?”

Shinra was, to his credit, a little hunched over and clutching his stomach where Celty had hit him. He gave Shizuo a little pout before he responded, “How's Izaya doing? Celty said she had a talk with him – he's alright I hope.”

“He's fine; better than the last few days.” _For one, he's talking again... opening up again... that's good enough for me._ “He's in the bedroom if you want to see him.”

Chucking off his shoes and pressing his glasses back up his nose, Shinra disappeared down the hall to make sure that the brunette hadn't done anything stupid in his absence. Shizuo just blinked before he rolled his eyes and sighed.

Without the doctor there, that left Celty and Shizuo standing in the front hall. Shizuo stepped aside and let the woman inside, taking two of the bags that she was carrying.

“You went shopping?”

Celty shifted the remaining bag to the crook of her arm to type out her response. [ _If we're going to be making dinner, I thought that it would be best if I bought a few things. Besides, I thought that you might be running a little low on groceries._ ]

“Yeah, thanks.” Shizuo glanced down into the bag, “Did you have any idea of what we're going to be making?”

[ _I was thinking that we could keep it simple... I don't know how good you are in the kitchen and, well, there's something off about my cooking. So I thought that we could just do a simple stir fry._ ]

“That's fine, I don't really feel like making anything complicated.” Shizuo led Celty into his small kitchen and they quickly put away what wasn't needed and gathered together what they would need. From down the hall, Shizuo could just make out Shinra's soft voice rambling on about something to Izaya, and he just a little. Trust Shinra to talk Izaya's ear off, especially since he couldn't talk back.

[ _What do you want me to do?_ ] Celty had discarded her helmet, the shadows coming from her neck flowing up into random shapes and puffs that reflected her moods.

They had set the rice in the rice cooker off to the side, leaving them to prepare the vegetables and the meat for the stir fry. Deciding that he'd stick with the safety, he set Celty to chopping vegetables at the one counter while he dealt with the meat and the sauce for it.

The two of them worked in peaceful silence; Celty's PDA and helmet sat on the bar-table that divided the kitchen from the living room. It was comfortable, the two of them working like a well-oiled machine as they prepared dinner for the four of them. Slowly, the kitchen was filled with the delicious smell of herbs and cooking meat and it eventually lured Shinra out of the bedroom.

“That smells amazing Celty!” Shinra said in a sing-song voice. “What are you making?”

The dullahan quickly wiped her hands on a towel before taking up her PDA. [ _Shizuo and I are making a stir-fry. Although... he's doing most of the work._ ]

“But you're helping! I'm sure that I'll be able to taste your touch in the food!”

Shizuo snorted but elected not to say anything. Instead, Celty simply jabbed Shinra sharply in the stomach before she responded.

[ _I sincerely hope not._ ]

“Celty...!”

A sharp glare from Celty – or what constituted one coming from a woman with no head – shut the doctor up immediately, but he gave her a goofy smile as he slid into one of the two seats at the breakfast bar that was Shizuo's kitchen table. He crossed his arms on the counter and set to watching Celty with a gooey look in his eyes.

“How's Izaya?”

“Huh?” Shinra turned away from Celty. “Izaya? His injuries are healing well enough, there'll be a couple of scars from the burns and a few of the others, but they're healing cleanly and he seems to be in a much better mood than last time...”

“I sense a 'but' in there.”

“His leg. I think that it's a lot more severe than I first though. I'd like to take a better look at it but he would have to come see me for me to check. But... I don't think that... he'll be able to walk again. Not with the same ease as before...”

“You mean...” The words wouldn't come, they seemed to catch in his throat.

Celty finished the sentence for him. [ _Are you saying that he would be crippled?_ ]

Almost immediately, Shinra was settling into his business mindset. He spoke in a near methodical tone of voice, “Not precisely... I can't be sure until I can get a better look at the bone, but I think that he might not be able to move with the same fluidity and ease that he was able to before. He'll be able to walk and run with some effort, but... anything more might be too much.”

Shizuo let that sink in. It was as the last nail in the metaphorical coffin; Izaya would not be able to go back to how things were before. For the rest of his life, he would have to bear those scars and the knowledge that what had been done to him could never be undone.

While he was lost in thought, Shinra had continued, “... the damage is permanent. I can't tell yet what the exact effects will be, but from what I've observed I think that his knee has taken the most damage. It was dislocated and nearly completely shattered for one thing. I was going to–”

“Don't tell him.”

His voice was deceptively calm, but his hands were shaking and tightened into fists. Sharp metal biting into his skin went ignored, not even the small trickle of blood from the crushed handle of the knife digging into his palm. It took several moments until the realization that he was bleeding kicked in and he released the mutilated knife, letting it clatter to the counter.

“Eh? Why not?” Shinra asked. “He deserves to know; it _**is**_ his body we're talking about here.”

The glare that Shizuo turned on him was dark and made the doctor cringe back, throwing his hands up in a placating gesture.

“Don't tell him. Not yet. I just got him to open up again – he's had enough setbacks already. For now, just let him recover a little more. If you need more tests, than fine. But give him some time before you tell him.”

“Well, alright... I'll wait for a while, but you can't hide it from him forever.”

Shizuo stared down at the counter, at his bleeding hand, and replied, “I know.”

Running his hand through his hair, Shinra sighed and fixed Shizuo with a stern look, “I was going to say that the damage was so severe that it wouldn't be wise to let it heal on its own since I don't think it's going to heal properly. He's going to need surgery.”

Celty swooped in to save the meat and vegetables from burning and quietly began to serve dinner.

“When?”

“Within the next few days; I wanted to make sure that he had stabilized and was somewhat more emotionally stable before the procedure.” Shinra softly thanked Celty as she handed him his dinner before he continued. “Celty can pick him up and bring him to my place for the surgery; he'll have to stay there for a while after so that I can monitor him, but otherwise he'll be fine.”

“You're sure?”

“It's not a serious injury – nothing like what you've come to me with – and it isn't life-threatening. I mean, no surgery is without risks but he'll be fine.”

Shizuo sighed, “Alright. I'll tell him later tonight.”

“But–”

The look that the blond shot the doctor could've killed; Shinra smartly shut up with a small meep and quickly turned back to his dinner and his... girlfriend. Honestly Shizuo wasn't too sure _**what**_ they were sometimes.

When he poked his head into the bedroom, Izaya was lying down and looked as though he'd gone back to sleep. But he opened his eyes and looked over at Shizuo when the blond pushed the door open and came in.

“Are you hungry?”

- _A little. What's for dinner?_ -

“Stir fry; Celty brought the ingredients.” Shizuo paused before he asked, “Do you want to eat here or come and join us?”

- _With you would be nice._ -

“Alright.”

Izaya almost immediately reached out to Shizuo as the blond smiled and leaned down to scoop him up off the bed and into his arms. The brunette leaned into his chest, curling close; the cast made his leg stick out at a bit of an awkward angle and navigating doors meant turning sideways, but neither of them cared.

As though she'd already known, Celty had set the table by the couch with their dinner and drinks. She'd also made up one half of it with pillows and a blanket for Izaya so that he'd be comfortable.

She held out her PDA. [ _If you feel sleepy, it's alright; Shinra and I don't mind if you feel tired and want to rest._ ]

Izaya nodded and let Shizuo set him down on the couch and make sure that he was carefully tucked in and propped up on the pillows. He only swatted his hands away when it became clear that Shizuo was just fiddling with the blankets.

- _I'm fine. Really._ \- When Shizuo gave him a disbelieving stare, Izaya gave a soundless huff. - _Don't worry about it. Just eat your dinner. If I need anything, I'll tell you._ -

Shizuo gave him a skeptical look but settled down on the couch next to him with a quiet, “Well alright...”

Despite the brunette's reassurances, Shizuo was still worried about him. With the bomb that Shinra had dropped on him, he really couldn't help it. Just how was he supposed to break that news to Izaya? He'd already suffered through one setback and now another had dropped itself in his lap. Although, maybe he should have expected this one – Izaya's injuries had been horrible, it should not have been such a shock to find out that they might leave lasting scars.

Gentle was the way to go, obviously, but how to say it... Shizuo knew he wasn't the best when it came to words.

He sighed and turned back to his dinner; he'd worry about it later once Shinra and Celty had left. The last thing he needed was for Shinra to start running his mouth and just making things worse.

Unsurprisingly, he wasn't feeling particularly hungry, but he did manage to force most of it down. He didn't want to make Izaya worry about him when he was going to be telling him that he was going to be... crippled for the rest of his life.

 _He'll be able to walk; focus on that. It isn't the end of his life, this won't kill him._ Internal reassurances weren't doing too much to quell the butterflies in his stomach; nor how the bottom had dropped out. It was only through sheer force of will that Shizuo managed to keep his expression neutral and his hands from shaking.

Dinner was quiet; since only two of those present could actually talk, conversation seemed a little bit silly since they would just have to read what either Izaya or Celty 'said' out loud. Once they'd all finished, Shizuo went about collecting the dishes – he'd do them later.

- _What happened to your hand?_ -

Shizuo paused as he reached for Izaya's half-eaten dinner and glanced down at his palm. He'd forgotten about breaking the knife; the cut wasn't too large and had already started to scab over but it was still painted a bright red on his palm.

“Ah, it's nothing.”

Izaya looked down at his hands for several long moments, weighing his phone in his hands before he asked his next question. - _Is it my fault?_ -

“What!? No!” Shizuo shot him a stern look, “I just cut myself making dinner; it's not a big deal. It's not serious, don't worry about it.”

- _It looks serious._ \- Izaya retorted, dropping his phone into his lap to reach out and grab Shizuo's hand and jerking it towards him so that he could get a better look at it. The brunette ignored the fact that they'd gained an audience.

Shinra pushed his glasses back up his nose, “Should I take a look at it?”

“It's really shallow; I hadn't even noticed it.”

At that, Shinra just had to face palm. It was such a typical Shizuo response. “That's because you don't notice until you see the blood...”

Celty just shook her head and hopped off her stool and disappeared down the hall to the bathroom to retrieve the first aid kit that Shizuo had taken to keeping there. When she returned, she sat down on the couch beside Izaya and opened up the kit, but the brunette plucked the antiseptic and bandages out before she could.

He fumbled a little with the lid to the antiseptic since his fingers weren't as flexible as they usually were since they were still covered in bandages. Once he managed to get the lid off, he squeezed a small portion onto his finger and gently smoothed it over the cut. Shizuo didn't even wince – he was faring better than Izaya when Shinra had changed his – even when Izaya wrapped the bandages around it.

“Thanks.”

Izaya gave him a small smile in response as Shizuo picked up the dishes, piling them on top of his own before heading back into his small kitchen.

Meanwhile, Celty had taken back the antiseptic and the bandages and was recapping the former and making sure that they were carefully packed away. She gently wiped the excess off his fingers, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze before she left to quickly return the kit to the bathroom.

[ _There's some cheesecake in the fridge, would you like some?_ ]

Even though he wasn't particularly hungry, he _**did**_ have a bit of a weakness when it came to cheesecake... - _A small piece. I don't think that I could stomach much more._ -

Shizuo placed the dishes in the sink, ignoring the blood and mangled knife lying there, and watched as Celty removed the cheesecake that she'd brought from the fridge and set it on the counter. He pulled a spare out of one of the drawers and handed it to her before he went to retrieve some more plates from one of the cupboards.

Leaning back in his chair, Shinra was rambling amicably to the both of them as Celty cut the cake into pieces and set them on plates while Shizuo slid one plate across to Shinra. He took his piece and Izaya's little sliver over to the couch and handed it to the brunette.

Again, he got a small smile and a nod in return.

“How are you holding up?”

Izaya set his fork down on his plate and swallowed his mouthful of cake before he picked up his phone to respond. - _A little tired but otherwise I feel fine._ -

Almost spontaneously, Shizuo reached out and tangled his hand in Izaya's hair and gently pulled him towards him and pressed his lips to his temple. He felt the brunette tense up just a little, but then he relaxed and leaned into the touch, although there was some hesitancy still there. Well, that he could work on.

“Sorry... too much?”

He shook his head almost frantically. - _No! No... I just... I just need to adjust to it is all... You... I meant what I said earlier. I want to make you happy. I do love you. It's just..._ -

Shizuo placed his hand over Izaya's and squeezed it just as he gave him a warm smile, “I know. And I'm not expecting you to change overnight either. You have time, as much as you need.”

The words just made that ache inside of his heart hurt more, somehow he knew that he could be responsible for crushing whatever Izaya had managed to cobble together to keep himself going. He could be there as much as he wanted, say whatever he wanted to, but it all came down to the brunette.

 _Don't let this pull you down, please. It would destroy me too._

The rest of the evening passed in quiet conversation, with some inquiries about how work was going for Celty and Shizuo – Izaya seemed curious about what Celty was doing lately since he had usually been the one to give her work. She'd been managing just fine; there were still people who could use her skills as a transporter and she was being paid handsomely for her services.

She made sure that Izaya couldn't see one of her messages but did show it to Shizuo. [ _I've been trying to see if I could find out anything that happened to him and who could have been responsible. I haven't had much luck. I'm sorry._ ]

He nodded; Celty was in a better position than him to investigate that sort of thing. Still, he'd kept his ears and eyes open to see if maybe he might catch something. And even though he was very rarely active on the forums, he'd made a solitary post to see if maybe someone else knew something.

So far, nothing.

- _Has there been any excitement lately?_ \- Izaya asked.

Shizuo shrugged, “Not really. There have been a couple of squabbles between some gang members but nothing else that I've noticed.”

Celty also had a response. [ _One or two disappearances; a young woman went missing in Ikebukuro a week or two ago, but nothing else besides that._ ]

“Oh yeah, I heard about that,” Shinra added. “A couple of my employers mentioned it. They think it's some underground organization but they're not sure either. She's the daughter of some important businessman or something.”

Izaya's hands were shaking just a little. But he did manage to type out a response. - _Has there been any word? Ransom demands?_ -

“Not that I'm aware of,” Shinra replied a little absently.

Shizuo, though, noticed how Izaya was trembling and how wide his eye was. Very gently he placed one hand over Izaya's and slid his other arm around his shoulders and pulled him towards him. The brunette froze for a moment before he practically melted against Shizuo, his hands fisting into the fabric of the blanket that was draped over his lap.

He dropped his voice so that Shinra couldn't hear and whispered into the other's ear, “It's fine; no one is going to hurt you. They'd have to go through me first and I'm not gonna let them get to you – I'm sure that this has nothing to do with what happened to you.”

Izaya was still trembling like a flower in a breeze, but he cuddled closer to Shizuo who tightened his arms around him.

A quick look at Celty and Shinra revealed that the two of them were regretting bringing up the disappearance; Celty looked as though she would kick herself and Shinra just looked horribly mortified.

Celty recovered quickly. [ _I'm so sorry! This sort of thing happens sometimes, I'm sure that it doesn't have to do with you. We should've been a little more sensitive about it._ ]

“Yeah,” Shinra chipped in. “And we wouldn't let anything happen to you either.”

Shizuo gave a little smile which went unseen by everyone, one hand gently stroking Izaya's back as he felt him relax against him. He might have still been trembling, but it wasn't as violent; his hands were clenching Shizuo's shirt tightly and he was practically in the blond's lap.

“We'll protect you. _**I'll**_ protect you.” _I couldn't protect you before, but this time... this time I will. I won't let anyone hurt you; I won't let them near you._

Hesitantly, Celty reached out and slid her arm around Izaya's shoulders, giving him a comforting squeeze as she rubbed his upper arm. It was an awkward position since the brunette was wrapped firmly in Shizuo's arms, but he shifted Izaya enough to let Celty join the embrace. Shinra had to awkwardly reached between the two to lay a comforting hand on the slighter man's shoulder.

All three of them were willing to protect him and keep him safe, and it made Izaya cry. He'd been doing a lot of that lately.

Running his fingers through Izaya's hair, Shizuo gently rocked him in his arms and rubbed his back. It was just a little disconcerting for the brunette to be crying and making little to no noise whatsoever – he was so used to Izaya as never shutting up. The continued silence was just a little disquieting, even after experiencing it for so long.

The four of them stayed like that for what seemed like hours, or at least until Izaya stopped crying and eventually fell asleep. Shizuo carefully picked him up and went to tuck him into bed while Celty finished tidying up the living room and kitchen.

Pulling the covers up around him, Shizuo watched as Izaya rolled onto his side and curled up into a ball. It made him smile just a little and he pressed a quick kiss to the other's cheek. The dark thoughts he'd been harbouring earlier were pushed aside; he had other things that he needed to focus on.

When he returned to the main room, both Celty and Shinra were waiting in the hall; dressed and ready to go back to their home for the night. Shinra kept his voice down when he spoke.

“You'll tell him tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, he usually is awake when I leave for work; I'll tell him then or at lunch.” Shizuo sighed; he knew that asking for a little more time off might be pushing his luck (his paycheck had stopped taking so many docks since Izaya was no longer continually pissing him off), but he had a huge chunk of vacation time saved up that he could use.

Personal reasons; he was sure that Tom would understand.

“Alright, you've got tomorrow to tell him, but the day after I'm scheduling him for surgery. Are you going to be there?”

“Yeah, I will. I'll try to get the day off.”

Shinra nodded, “Well, I'll keep him for a few days after for observation and recovery, but after that you can bring him home.”

[ _I'll take those days off._ ] Celty explained. [ _That way, I'll be able to be home to look after him while he's recovering. You won't have to worry about him so much; I'll take good care of him._ ]

He smiled at her, “Thanks.”

[ _It's nothing; he's important to me too. To all of us._ ] Celty slid her helmet back into place, giving off a little puff of her shadows as she did so. It didn't escape his notice when she very carefully took Shinra's hand in hers. Well, at least they were moving forward too.

Shinra nodded his agreement, “Yep. He's a good friend.”

The three of them said their goodnights – Shinra managing to extract a promise from Shizuo that he _**would**_ talk to Izaya about the surgery and make sure that he was okay. Celty wound up pushing him along to get him to leave with Shizuo glaring after him from the annoyance.

Well, that was one headache out of the way.

Celty had put all of the dishes into the sink already, so it was just left to him to scrape them off and stick them into the dishwasher. He felt strangely relaxed but not tired; probably because of that little nap that he'd taken earlier. He'd do the dishes and put them away and than maybe read something or check his email before he went to bed.

It gave him time to think and relax; something that he hadn't had time to enjoy much of during the past few days.

The dishes didn't take him very long to rinse off and stick in the dishwasher – he'd turn it on the next morning – and tidying up the kitchen only took him a few more minutes. While he didn't actually own a computer, he retrieved his phone from the little table in the front hall to check his email.

Unsurprisingly, there was nothing new in his inbox.

Shizuo sighed and plugged his phone in to charge overnight before heading back to the living room and heading over to his small bookshelf. He hadn't actually picked up a book in a while – which kind of sucked because he'd actually _**bought**_ a couple of new ones recently – mostly because of what was going on with Izaya.

With a sigh, Shizuo picked one out. He was a little nervous about leaving Izaya alone, so reading in bed sounded good.

Besides... Izaya was adorable when he was asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 4314 words

Izaya blinked slowly and tightened his grip on the fabric in front of his face as he snuggled closer to the warm body next to him. The bright light from the crack in the curtains was shining straight onto his face, so he buried his head into Shizuo's chest and let out a small sigh; he really didn't want to move, or for Shizuo to go either.

 _This is going to be a regular occurrence, isn't it?_

“You up?”

And it completely figured that Shizuo was awake before him.

Izaya nodded and snuggled closer, letting his eyes drift closed again; he was determined to get some more sleep in, whether Shizuo was there or not – but preferably there. He wasn't even sure of why he was so tired. Maybe it was just his emotional exhaustion catching up with him, he'd been through a lot the past little while so it wasn't too surprising.

He was aware of Shizuo shifting in bed – probably to glance at the clock – and running his fingers gently through the brunette's hair. Although, they ran into a few tangles, but Shizuo's touch was surprisingly soft and it wasn't particularly painful; more of an annoyance really.

“I've got about five minutes before I've got to get up for work,” Shizuo remarked. “Don't you go back to sleep on me – I'll never leave.”

Shrugging, Izaya let his head rest on Shizuo's chest to listen to his heart. The strong beat lulled him a little bit, but he tried to focus on what the other was saying.

“I'll be home for lunch today. Do you want me to pick up anything in particular?”

Well, okay, that was a little unusual; Celty was normally the one who came by to visit him around the noon hour to make sure that he was eating and that he was comfortable. Shizuo was usually tied up with work and couldn't make it.

Pulling away from the blond with a small exhale of air, Izaya groped around on the bedside table for a few seconds before his fingers found his phone. He flopped back against the pillows as he began to type.

- _Not really; I'm fine with anything. Did something happen? You don't usually come home for lunch._ -

Shizuo shrugged as he sat up and stretched, “Celty's busy with some job today and Shinra's busy too. It's not a big deal.”

Okay, Izaya could tell that there was something Shizuo wasn't telling him but it would be almost impossible to get whatever it was out of him until he wanted to tell him. Sometimes he could read the other well and other times he wasn't so sure, but this was one of the former and he had the feeling that it had to do with him.

Whatever it was, he'd just have to be patient and wait. But already he could feel an uncomfortable weight settling in the pit of his stomach; things just weren't looking up for him. He sighed.

- _If you say so. When are you going to be back?_ -

“I'll try to be back around noon but I might be a little later, depending on how the morning goes.” Shizuo was already climbing out of bed as he spoke and chucking his sleep wear in the direction of his laundry basket, which was overflowing onto the floor. At the same time he was pulling out another of his bartender outfits from the closet and drawers within. It was kind of interesting to see him get dressed but also a little distracting.

Flushing, Izaya ducked under the covers a little. He didn't need to think about that and preoccupied himself with what it was that Shizuo was keeping from him. What could it be? Complications? An infection?

He scrapped the last one; if he had an infection, than there was no way that Shinra would just leave him with Shizuo. The same went for most of his ideas about complications because of his injuries, if they really were that life-threatening, than Shinra would have insisted that he either go to a hospital or to the underground doctor's so that he could be monitored and have the proper medical care.

So, in short, whatever it was wasn't life-threatening to him. That took away some of the anxiety that was twisting around in his gut. Plus, Shizuo's behaviour didn't match up with the idea; the blond wouldn't be acting so... relaxed about it if there was the chance that Izaya would die.

“Do you need anything before I go?”

Leaning over the bed, Shizuo had his arms crossed and a small frown on his face. Izaya peeked up at him from under the covers and had to bite back a little smile at the thought that Shizuo looked so much like a mom right then.

- _Bathroom?_ -

“Yeah, alright. Come here.”

It took a little bit of wiggling to get Izaya out of his cocoon of blankets, but eventually the brunette was cuddled up in Shizuo's arms. There was still a tiny bit of hesitancy to his gestures, but Izaya was trying and it did make Shizuo happy.

And he felt safe, something that he didn't feel anywhere else or with anyone else. He felt comfortable with Shinra and Celty, but the feeling of safety – of being loved and protected and being something precious to someone – that he felt with Shizuo just couldn't be replicated. The fear he still felt sometimes drove him to accept that, even if he still had some lingering feelings of doubt about if he deserved it or not.

Shizuo wanted it, though, and didn't hold a grudge against him; and it was Shizuo who mattered the most to him. And, even though he wasn't aware of it, he was starting to heal, just a little bit.

The cool texture of the toilet jerked him out of his thoughts and Izaya blushed a little as Shizuo turned his back to him to give him a little privacy. He was looking forward to getting back a little of his own power, just to avoid having to go through this each time he needed to use the bathroom; but he'd miss the feel of Shizuo's arms around him.

He tugged on the sleeve of Shizuo's shirt to get his attention once he was finished. Washing his hands was a little difficult since he had to be balanced in Shizuo's arms and his fingers were clumsy from the bandages, but he managed.

Izaya had already started to drift off a little when Shizuo carried him back into the bedroom and tucked him into bed; making sure that the brunette's phone was within easy reach as he did so.

Warm lips were pressed against his temple as Shizuo murmured softly, “I'll see you later. We can talk more then.”

The only response he got was a slight nod as Izaya fell back into the world of dreams. Hopefully, this time they'd be peaceful...

Several hours later, Izaya woke up for the second time that day, only this time feeling much more well rested. A quick, blearily glance at the clock on the bedside table told him that it was about a quarter past eleven; Shizuo wouldn't be back for the better part of an hour.

Although he was tempted to just go back to sleep, he really didn't feel like it. He'd spent so much time in bed lately asleep that he was starting to feel just a little bit jittery. What he wanted was to be up and about, even if it was just around Shizuo's apartment – the idea of actually going outside _**alone**_ made fear sink low into his stomach and he curled in on himself to make it stop.

Reaching out, he grabbed the pillow that Shizuo had been using and pulled it tightly to his chest, inhaling the scent of the blond and letting it calm him down. He was safe and Shizuo would be home soon, he didn't need to worry.

Izaya slowly relaxed but get his grip on the pillow. He really needed to find something to do to occupy himself when Shizuo wasn't around. Maybe read? There wasn't a lot that he could do while recovering and a sinking feeling in his gut told him that he wasn't going to be escaping from this without scars.

He rolled over again and sighed; there had to be something to – he blinked.

Poking off one corner of the bedside table was a book. It took a little bit of stretching but he managed to reach it and he nearly fell out of bed in the process. Pushing himself into a sitting position was a little more difficult, but after putting almost every single pillow in the bed behind him, Izaya managed to drag himself into a sitting position, the book in his hands.

The corners of it were a little bit tattered and the cover definitely looked as though it had seen better days, but it was something. What did surprise him, though, was that he recognized the title and the author.

 _What's Shizu-chan doing with Dickens?_

Weighing the book in his hands, Izaya flicked it open; the pages were a little ragged, it was definitely a used copy, but the text was still completely legible and one of the corners about sixty or so pages in had been carefully folded over. Apparently Shizuo was much more intelligent than he'd given him credit for before.

Either that or Shizuo was just a little bit of a bibliophile.

He felt a little sting of guilt at the realization that he really didn't know as much about Shizuo as the blond did about him, and yet he was still... No. He'd promised himself he wouldn't go down that path. Focusing his attention back to the present, Izaya flipped back to the start of the book and began to read.

 _It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness..._

The rest of the hour dwindled away and Izaya quickly lost track of time. He hadn't been particularly fond of reading before, but it was something to pass the time; he guessed that he'd probably be doing a lot more of it in the days to come.

He was so caught up in what he was reading that he didn't notice the sound of the front door unlocking and opening or of Shizuo toeing off his shoes at the door. What _**did**_ jerk him out of the little reverie he'd sunk into was when Shizuo nearly made him jump right out of the bed when he sat down on it.

“Sorry, I thought you'd heard me come in,” Shizuo apologized sheepishly. He ruffled Izaya's hair and smiled at him. “You didn't lose my place did you?”

Shaking his head, Izaya indicated that he'd only gotten about forty or so pages in, not even close to the sixty-something that Shizuo had. He set the book aside on the bedside table and grabbed his phone instead.

- _How was your morning?_ -

Shizuo shrugged, “Same as always. When did you finally wake up?”

- _Around eleven. What's for lunch?_ \- He could see the edge of a plastic bag in Shizuo's hand, but couldn't make out if there was a label or logo on it or not.

“I brought you back something special.” Shizuo reached into the bag and handed Izaya a little take-out box full of otoro, followed soon after by a Styrofoam bowl of what smelled like soup. “Ah, um, my neighbour made the soup for you...”

- _You told your neighbour about me?_ \- Izaya wasn't sure whether to feel worried and anxious about it or if he should feel flattered; he settled for being mildly affronted.

“I kind of borrowed a bunch of bandages from her when you first got here,” Shizuo explained. “She doesn't actually know what happened; I just told her that you'd been in an accident. In any case, she was worried about you and sent it over with me along with her hope that you'd be better soon.”

His cheeks flushed just a little. - _She sounds so forward._ -

“Maybe it's just age. She's been really friendly and nice ever since I moved here.” Shizuo shrugged, “It's not going to kill you in any case; she's made it for me before, it's really good.”

- _I'm still not sure how to feel about this so I'm just going to pretend you didn't say anything._ \- Izaya glanced back down at the otoro before he added onto that statement. - _Did you go to Russia Sushi?_ -

“Huh? Yeah, why?” Shizuo blinked. “Is something wrong with that? Last time I checked, it was your favourite.”

- _Did you run into anyone? Tell anyone... about me?_ -

“Well not really. Simon did ask about you; he figured I'd know where you were since he hadn't seen you around for a while and you'd stopped coming in,” Shizuo sighed. “I don't get why you're so worried about it; I just told him that something happened and you were staying with me. I think he was kind of happy about it.”

Izaya bit down on his lip as he stared down at his lap for a few moments before he could respond. - _I'm just... afraid. I feel so vulnerable right now and I'm scared. I've made a lot of enemies, I'm scared for you._ -

“Don't be.” Shizuo placed his hand over Izaya's and squeezed it. “Right now, you just need to focus on yourself. And you can start by eating lunch.”

As if to prove his point, Shizuo took Izaya's phone from him and replaced it with a spoon and peeled the lid off the Styrofoam bowl. He took the otoro and set it carefully aside while pulling out his own lunch and settling down on the bed beside him to eat.

Lunch between them was quiet with Shizuo only asking a few questions which had yes or no answers. There were a few questions that Izaya wanted to ask, but he decided just to wait; Shizuo seemed to have something on his mind, so he'd wait for him to broach whatever subject was bugging him.

A small amount of dread was coiled deep in his stomach but Izaya ignored it. Unfortunately, it refused to go away and he had to force the food past the ever-growing lump in his throat. He wasn't even sure why he was feeling so nervous. It couldn't be something bad, Shizuo would've – Shizuo would've told him already if it was...

Wouldn't he?

Shizuo finished his lunch before Izaya, but he wouldn't give his phone back when Izaya reached for it.

“Finish your lunch first,” was his firm response.

Izaya pouted, but all that earned him was a chuckle from the blond and a ruffling of his hair. He turned back to his otoro and set about finishing it. His stomach was still tied up in knots but he managed to finish his food in spite of it; but still, it felt heavy in his stomach.

But Shizuo did hand him his phone back. The only problem was that Izaya had no idea what he wanted to say. So he weighed it carefully in his hands while trying to come up with something to say.

As it turned out, he didn't have to; Shizuo spoke first.

“How are you feeling?”

- _Fine. You were right about the soup._ -

Shizuo gave a small, almost wane, smile at that and nodded. “I'm glad.”

Biting his lip, Izaya typed out a response. - _What's wrong?_ -

“Huh? Ah...” Shizuo seemed nervous, he was clenching and unclenching his fists and he wasn't making eye contact with Izaya which was making the brunette more nervous.

His stomach jerked a little, but seeing Shizuo in such obvious discomfort made him feel just a little bit of courage. He scooted closer to the blond and leaned against him. - _Tell me what's wrong. Please?_ -

“I spoke to Shinra... last night.” He hesitated for a brief second or two before he continued, “He said that there might be some... complications about your injuries.”

Izaya nodded, staring at his hands and his phone.

“It's... about your knee.” Shizuo felt the brunette tense up next to him. “It's not life-threatening, but because it was shattered and dislocated, he thinks that... you'll need surgery in order to fix it.”

That... that didn't sound as bad as he'd feared it would be. He felt some of the tension which had been building up inside of him loosen up just a little while he waited for him to continue.

“He wants to run a few tests just to make sure, but surgery's the only way that you're knee is gonna heal even somewhat properly. But... he also said that even with the surgery you... you wouldn't be able to go back to how you were before.”

Izaya nodded blindly. He'd known that there had to be a catch somewhere, but just hearing Shizuo _**say**_ it made it so much more real. Biting his lip, he listened as Shizuo continued.

“He did say that you'd still be able to walk, but... I'm sorry, it's... he said that you wouldn't be able to do a lot of what you could before.” Clearly Shizuo was having trouble trying to force it past his lips and was dancing around the issue. “Izaya... you're going to be permanently crippled.”

Silence hung in the air for several long moments while Izaya digested that.

While he'd known that he couldn't have gotten away scot-free, it was still very different to just know that and to hear it spoken out loud. It made it so much more real. He would still be able to walk, and maybe run, but he'd effectively lost all of his former mobility. No more thrilling chases through Ikebukuro, no more feats of agility... he was someone who people felt sympathy for, someone who people whispered behind their hands about.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Maybe he hadn't been completely prepared for the extent of the aftermath, but now that he knew, he could accept it. Or at least try to.

“... I talked to Tom about it, so I've got the day off and I'll be there through the whole procedure,” Shizuo finished. Izaya hadn't even realized that he'd kept talking while he was lost in thought, but he did manage to catch the tail end of what he'd been saying.

Izaya wasn't sure what to say to that, so he remained silent, just absorbing the information. But when he realized that Shizuo was waiting for him to respond, he had to figure out something to say.

- _You had me worried; I thought it was going to be something a lot worse._ -

“What? You mean–”

Leaning against the blond a little more, Izaya let out a heavy sigh. - _I always knew that I wouldn't get out of this without some sort of permanent reminder. I just..._ -

Shizuo slid an arm around Izaya's shoulder and pulled him close and pressed his lips to his temple, “I'm not going to leave you.”

The unspoken words of 'I love you' hung in the air; Izaya knew that was what Shizuo meant. He felt warmth swell in his chest and he couldn't stop a smile from tugging at his lips.

- _I don't know what I did to deserve you Shizu-chan... but I'm glad._ -

“You're fine with this?”

Izaya frowned and stared down at his hands, looking suddenly very forlorn. - _I won't lie... I'm afraid about this. I can't find it in myself to be angry, all I can feel right now is fear. I'm scared about what I might lose next._ -

Gently, Shizuo placed his hand over Izaya's, “You're not losing anything; try to think positive for once.”

- _You're not much of a positive thinker yourself._ \- Izaya replied; but he did flip his hand over and entwined his fingers with the others. He leaned against the blond and closed his eyes, relaxing against him.

“Well, I'm trying.” Shizuo let his read rest on top of Izaya's, “One of us has to think positive; you'll still be able to walk. It isn't as though you're going to be doing anything reckless.”

Typing out a message with one hand was difficult, but Izaya managed. - _I don't like the fact that I'm imposing on you so much._ -

“You're not. I'm not letting you go back there.”

- _I wasn't planning to. I... I don't think that I could._ \- Izaya shifted a little closer to Shizuo. - _I'll figure something out to make this up to you._ -

Shizuo just smiled, “Just get better; that's all I need.”

Nodding his head, Izaya let the blond pull him into a one-armed hug as his eyes drifted closed. It was a lot to take him, but at least he'd had some idea to expect something like this. He could deal with this so long as Shizuo was there with him.

Eventually enough time had passed and Shizuo had to leave or else he risked being late. Considering how much time he'd been taking to look after Izaya, he felt a bit guilty for stealing him away from his job like that. He'd already taken several days off already and he was taking the next day off to be there for his surgery... he really didn't deserve him.

“I'll see you tonight, alright?” Shizuo very gently pressed his lips to Izaya's forehead. “Oh, and I'll pick you up something to wear; Celty is going to be picking you up tomorrow morning and taking you to Shinra's.”

Izaya bit back his questions and nodded. He'd ask Shizuo about that later; it could wait.

“Do you need anything before I go?”

Shaking his head, Izaya managed a small smile. - _No. I'll be fine. You should go before you get in trouble._ -

“And you'll be okay?”

- _I said I would be fine; don't worry about it._ -

“Alright...” But as he was leaving, Izaya managed to catch something that he might not have been meant to hear, “I don't think I can stop worrying about you.”

Izaya felt his heart sting just a little at that but he quickly squashed it. _That goes both ways Shizu-chan..._

The rest of the afternoon he spent either napping or continuing on with Dickens; it was a bit too wordy at times but it was something to pass the time and it was, at the very least, enjoyable. Occasionally he'd look up and stare out the window for a little, but the only thing that he had a particularly good view of was the wall of the next building over.

He could hear a few sounds from the nearby street, but besides that the apartment was completely silent. It was oddly relaxing and he found that he didn't mind it so much.

Surprisingly, thought of his impending surgery didn't occupy his mind too much; mostly because he didn't want to think about it. Whenever his eyes did glance down towards his knee, all he could feel was a faint sense of loss. It would probably get better or worse with time, he'd have to wait and see how things went. He trusted Shinra, maybe not as much as Shizuo, but that would have to be enough.

And... he still had Shizuo, that had to count for something.

He glanced back down at the passage in the book, ' _Death is Nature's remedy for all things, and why not Legislation's?_ '

Oh, that was a bit ironic wasn't it? Izaya sighed, he couldn't avoid thinking about it for much longer he supposed. After all, Shizuo had the entire afternoon to stew on it as well and he'd probably worry over whether or not he'd broken down over it yet or not. He might as well think about it if even the book he was reading wasn't going to let him avoid it.

Carefully, he folded over the top corner of the page to keep track of his place and closed it with a sigh.

After a while, he'd just gotten used to the fact that he couldn't make a sound at the moment. It was weird at first, not being able to hear his voice, but after some time he'd just gotten used to it. Now he knew and understood how Celty felt. And... the thought that, just maybe, he would never get to speak again...

He touched his bandaged throat, feelings of fear and hurt and sadness mixing toegether inside of him and making his insides twist painfully. Being permanently mute scared him; he wouldn't be able to speak, laugh, talk...

He would never be able to actually _**say**_ that he loved Shizuo.

At that, his heart gave a painful pang. It hurt. So much. That someone could take away something that was so important to him and then deprive him of the ability to say something which would make the one who mattered most to him – who he owed so much to – lose something that seemed so precious. It would mean a lot, to both of them, if Izaya could say that to him.

It was weird; he was more worried and terrified of the thought of losing his voice than he was of losing much of his mobility. Somehow, saying those three words out loud seemed to hold so much more meaning to him than just writing them out.

It scared him, terrified him, because he didn't want to find out that it was gone forever.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 4159 words

Later that night, Izaya found himself curled up at Shizuo's side on the bed and just listening to the regular sound of his breathing. Dinner had been a rather quiet affair, but it was nice to just spend time with the blond. He knew that Shizuo was more nervous about the operation tomorrow than he was, but he'd be there and that was enough.

Shizuo's fingers were gently carding through Izaya's hair. He noted a little absently that it was longer than he remembered it being before, glancing down at the other told him that the brunette was drifting off. The longer hair made him look younger too.

“How are you feeling? Tired?” He wasn't sure why he was asking when it was obvious, and it wasn't like the silence was getting to him. That was something he'd gotten used to.

- _A little tired. I feel fine otherwise._ \- Izaya flashed his phone at him.

“Nervous about tomorrow?”

- _Not really._ \- Izaya paused and moved just a little closer. - _You'll be there so I'm not really afraid about it._ -

Shizuo bit back what he wanted to say about that, he wouldn't pile his fears or worries up on the brunette; not when they could make it worse. He'd spent too much of the day internally debating everything that could go wrong, from infection to complete loss of mobility or even amputation and death – and he knew the last one was just crazy thinking, but it had still been there and niggling at the back of his mind.

It made it hard to concentrate when he was supposed to be doing his job and it had frayed his temper just a little bit – but that seemed to work for him. People were a little more likely to be co-operative when they could plainly see that he was in a bad mood. Well, _**most**_ of the time. Still didn't stop some people from harassing him.

Like that kid in the Raira uniform who looked like he was about to piss himself after working up the nerve to approach Shizuo and ask him about Izaya.

He did kind of recognize the girl with him – Raira uniform, large breasts, she looked kind of familiar but he couldn't say how he knew her – and she didn't look too happy about it either. Shizuo wasn't sure if that was because the kid was asking about Izaya or if she just had a bit of a grudge against the blond.

Whatever the case, he'd told them both to mind their own fucking business and leave him alone. He wasn't going to go about blabbing about what was wrong with Izaya and why he hadn't been about fucking with the city. There were enough rumours floating around about it, he wasn't about to fan the fire; not when it could lead people to the brunette.

- _Did something happen today? You seem tense._ -

Of course the brunette had to be particularly perceptive; he had to notice that.

“Eh, not really. Some high school kids were bugging me today about you, but that's – are you okay?!”

He was definitely not imagining the way that Izaya tensed up at that little reveal. Obviously it held a lot more importance to him than it did to Shizuo. Did he actually know the kid? He certainly wasn't family.

Come to think of it, he hadn't seen the twins around in the past few weeks...

Izaya's fingers seemed to fumble a little with the keys as he typed up his next message. - _Was he wearing a Raira uniform?_ -

“Uh, yeah... are you alright?” Shizuo turned and took hold of Izaya's shoulders, keeping his grip firm but gentle. He didn't want to make him panic and bolt or hurt him. “Why does it matter?”

- _I didn't... think that Mikado-kun would go looking for me; much less ask you._ \- Izaya wasn't meeting his eyes, he was staring at his hands and phone. - _I was sure that he hated me. It wouldn't... really surprise me if he did._ -

“Izaya....”

The brunette shook his head, even with it ducked Shizuo could see there was moisture gathering in the corners. Fuck, what had he done wrong now?! He shouldn't have mentioned it, should've just shrugged it off as a stressful day, he should've –

- _I do deserve it._ -

“That's–”

- _Not everyone is as forgiving as you or Celty or Shinra. They won't find it in themselves to forgive me, ever. I just..._ -

“They don't matter,” Shizuo growled. His hands were in fists and right then he really did want to punch something – or someone – right then. “They don't know you and they don't matter.”

To that, Izaya didn't respond. Shizuo couldn't tell what was running through the other's head at the moment, had no idea of whether or not he was beating himself up over it or not. He didn't know how Izaya knew the kid or what their relationship was – they could've hated each other for all he knew.

“Hey...” He cleared his throat, “Look, I know that you're kind of worried about what everyone's gonna say or think, but it doesn't matter. Maybe they won't forgive you, but they don't know you like I do; or like Celty or Shinra do. You shouldn't worry about it. Right now, they don't matter.”

- _It doesn't matter. It still hurts and I deserve it._ -

Shizuo gently stroked Izaya's cheek with his fingers, smiling a little when the brunette jumped and looked at him with a single wide eye. It was far too cute, but there were still the tiniest traces of that hollow stare left in him. That hurt, even then, but Shizuo was gradually working towards removing it completely; it was slow progress but it was progress nonetheless and he could deal with that.

“You might think that but you should just ignore it; it doesn't matter.” Shizuo gave a little smirk, “And if they make you cry... I'll hit 'em.”

- _You can't get back everyone on my behalf._ -

“No? Well I can _**damn well**_ try.” Shizuo shifted in a more comfortable position, pulling Izaya down with him so that the brunette was curled up against his chest. “You're important to me, I'm going to defend you, no matter what.”

- _I know. And that goes both ways too, you know. I'll do what I can to protect you, even if there's not much I can do._ \- Izaya let his head rest beneath Shizuo's chin as the blond's arm slid around him protectively. He didn't doubt at all that Shizuo would keep his side of their 'bargain;' he'd been catching glimpses of that protective streak of his recently.

And he'd noticed it with Celty and Shinra too. Maybe he really did have a place, it was still a lot to take in.

“Don't get yourself hurt,” Shizuo added. “Or I _**will**_ kick your ass.”

Izaya gave a small, wane smile. _You mean I'll get a stern lecture and a I'm-very-disappointed-in-you speech or something._ He had to admit, he'd never gotten that before from anyone. It was... nice to know someone cared enough about him to want to protect him.

- _I'll do my best._ -

Shizuo snorted, “You'd better.”

The rest of the evening was spent in relative silence. It wasn't uncomfortable but was companionable; Shizuo was still feeling a small bit of anxiety over Izaya's operation the next day, but he was trying to squash that down. Shinra was a good doctor and he did care about Izaya and he'd sworn that the operation wasn't going to be too risky. The consequences were a little more serious, but since Izaya didn't seem too worried about them...

He sighed and glanced down at the brunette, not surprised to find that Izaya had already fallen asleep next to him. Again, he was reminded of how peaceful he looked when he slept; how young he looked.

 _If anyone saw him like this, would they actually want to hurt him?_ Shizuo gently brushed back a stray lock of dark brown hair as he answered his own question. _Probably._ Some people were really just that cruel and, to be honest, Izaya hadn't exactly been an angel before, which was something like a huge understatement.

But... looking at him now, Shizuo could only see a few glimpses of that person from before. Inside, Izaya was broken and there was no telling if he would ever recover completely.

At that moment though, Shizuo wasn't sure if he would ever see something that would make his heart swell and ache so painfully again. He was reminded of just how close he'd come to losing the brunette, of just how much he had been put through and how helpless he'd been.

Running his fingers gently through Izaya's hair, Shizuo watched as he breathed evenly; completely oblivious to the world around him. He hoped that, at the very least, his dreams were nice. One of them needed to, because he certainly wasn't going to be sleeping tonight; not with the way that his stomach was tied up into knots.

With a little shifting, he managed to reach his book on the night stand. He pulled the covers up a little more around Izaya before settling in to spend the rest of the night reading; it wasn't his first sleepless night, and he doubted that it would be his last.

The night passed slowly, but it was largely a blur. Sometimes a word or phrase would jump out at him as he read, but for the most part the anxiety lurking in his stomach kept him distracted; it lead to him rereading the same passage several times. Concentration was hard to come by and he kept glancing down at Izaya, almost as though to reassure himself that he was still there.

When the first light of dawn started to make its appearance over the buildings of Tokyo, he set his book aside and sighed.

He definitely needed a shower.

Moving Izaya off of him, Shizuo watched as the brunette's face twisted up for a moment before relaxing against as he snuggled back into the covers and the bed. It managed to get a small smile out of him before he slipped out of bed and into the bathroom across the hall.

Stripping out of his sweats and tee, he tossed them in the corner of the room before turning on the shower and stepping under the water. The warm water eased the tension in his back, soothing his muscles and helping him to relax. Closing his eyes, he focused on the feel of the water coursing down his back instead of the anxiety about the day to come.

This was going to be just fine, nothing would go wrong. Maybe it was irrational, but he was worried about the _**potential**_ of what could happen.

Well, one of them had to, he supposed, and it certainly wasn't going to be Izaya.

After several more minutes of just standing under the gradually cooling spray of water, Shizuo turned it off and climbed out of the shower. Drying off, he left a towel slung around his hips as he wondered out into the kitchen to start some coffee while he got dressed.

Outside, the sun had already crested the horizon and the sky was painted in several hues of red and orange. A quick glance at the clock on the oven told him that Celty would be there in a few hours, which meant that he had to find something to occupy himself with until then.

He flicked on the TV, making sure that the volume wasn't too high, and left it on the news as he wandered back into his room to get dressed for the day.

Fully dressed, Shizuo checked to make sure that Izaya was still asleep – he was, in fact, he hadn't moved from where the blond had left him – before he went to pour himself his morning coffee and settle in on the couch to watch a little TV. There wasn't much on at this time of morning besides children's cartoons, infomercials, and the news, so he settled for the most informative.

 _“... another body was pulled from Tokyo Bay last night, but no new information has come to light about the recent string of disappearances in the Tokyo area. Police request that anyone with information pertaining to this case or any of the other's to come forward...”_

Absently, he sipped at his coffee, feeling a little more awake now than before. He'd probably need another cup if he expected to make it through the day without feeling like a zombie.

 _“In other news, gossip has been growing over actor Hanejima Yuuhei and whether or not he and the mysterious blond he has been seen recently with are in fact dating or if they're merely co-workers on the actor's next project...”_

Weird, he couldn't remember Kasuka mentioning seeing anyone... but then Shizuo remembered that they hadn't parted on the greatest of circumstances. He was still feeling some irritation over what his brother had said – no matter how ' _ **well-intentioned**_ ' it might have been.

It doesn't change the fact that he was the one who was having to pick up those pieces. Izaya was still a very fragile individual and the littlest push could send him spiralling down.

Finishing off his coffee, Shizuo stared down into the mug and contemplated the brown stains it had left.

He definitely needed another cup.

.:-o-:. .:-o-:. .:-o-:.

  
Celty wound up arriving at around ten that morning; she knocked on the door with a quick series of soft knocks. He opened the door to let her in, not surprised to find that she had a message waiting for him on her PDA.

[ _How is Izaya?_ ]

“Asleep.” Shizuo stepped aside to let her into the apartment.

She shook her head and typed up a new message. [ _I figured that he would be, but that wasn't what I meant. How is he taking all of this?_ ]

“Fine as far as I can tell,” Shizuo replied with a shrug. “He's always been good at hiding how he really feels.”

[ _But you're good at seeing through that._ ]

Shizuo shrugged, “Some of the time.”

[ _Do you want to wake him up and get him ready? I know that Shinra is anxious to get this over with._ ]

“Yeah, hang on.”

He'd picked up some clothes for Izaya the day before – after running into Celty and letting her help him since he had an idea of what size Izaya was, but not what would be appropriate – and left them in a bag in the hall. Picking that up, he walked the familiar path to his bedroom.

When he opened the door and stepped inside, Izaya was still asleep. He was curled up into a ball on his side, facing where Shizuo had been lying several hours before. It's sort of cute the way he's cuddled up against the blond's pillow and hugging it to him; Shizuo thinks that it's probably the smell.

Reaching out, he gently shook Izaya's shoulder, “Hey, Celty's here so you have to wake up now.”

The brunette let out a sigh and snuggled deeper into the covers. Shizuo let out a sigh and shook his head.

“Oh no you don't; it's time to wake up... Izaya- _ **kun**_.”

Izaya responded to that by letting out a heavy breath of air and turning to give the blond a dark glare; it only seemed to grow darker when he saw the playful smile on his face. Shizuo instead just ruffled the other's hair playfully in response.

“C'mon, you've got to get up and get dressed.”

Rolling over, Izaya fumbled for a moment as he groped around the night stand for his phone. Once his fingers closed around it, he slid it open and typed up a quick message.

- _Shut up._ -

“Whatever. Do you need help getting dressed?”

Izaya paused for a moment, clearly thinking over the question. He couldn't walk and still needed help going to the bathroom and bathing himself – his fingers were still clumsy, but everything was healing well. He was going to have a number of scars though.

That was fine, he could deal with it.

- _I don't know. So long as it isn't something complicated, then I think I can manage._ -

Shizuo nodded, “Do you want privacy?”

Izaya hesitated for a few moments. Arguably Shizuo had seen them when they were worse and he was the one who helped him to the bathroom and bathed him when it was needed, but still... those were instances in which it couldn't be avoided and the blond was always very sensitive about it. But...

- _It doesn't matter; you can stay if you want._ -

“Alright. But let me know if you need any help.”

Pushing himself into a sitting position, Izaya took the bag that Shizuo had been holding and reached inside to pull out the clothes. He frowned a little; the sweatpants had a drawstring waistband and were obviously his size, but they still looked rather baggy. The shirt and the jacket looked like they were a little more form-fitting, but Izaya was pretty sure that the sleeves on the hoodie would be a little long.

There was also a package of boxers in the bottom along with some socks. No shoes though.

Well, it wasn't like he was going to be doing much walking anytime soon. He'd probably be stuck in a wheelchair during his recovery from the surgery anyway so it wouldn't matter.

At the very least, the sleeves would hide all of the bandages; maybe not the ones around his neck though, but those weren't too noticeable unless one was up close. He touched his neck for a moment and frowned.

He hated how he couldn't remember.

Shizuo seemed somewhat happy with that fact, but Izaya found it unnerving. If he couldn't remember anything of what happened, what was stopping them from taking him back? It made going outside that much more terrifying. He wouldn't recognize the culprits. He couldn't do anything.

It made him feel that much more helpless.

Letting out a heavy sigh and shaking his head to rid it of those dark thoughts, Izaya turned his attention back to getting dressed. The only things that he'd been wearing recently were Shizuo's, and the blond was both considerably taller than he was and much more broad in the chest and shoulders. It made everything hang off his frame, but that didn't really matter since all he'd been doing lately had been sleeping and resting.

The tags had already been removed from the shirt, pants, and hoodie, but extracting the boxers from their packaging proved difficult.

He probably would've cut up his fingers more than they already were if it wasn't for Shizuo realizing his difficulty and plucking it out of his hands. After that, Izaya wound up with boxers on his head because Shizuo had tossed him a pair over his shoulder while he went to put the extra pairs away.

- _Was that necessary?_ -

“Ah, sorry.” The blond sounded completely unapologetic.

Dropping his phone to the side, Izaya wrestled a little to pull Shizuo's shirt from over his head. It was difficult and he wasn't going to lie about the fact that it did hurt – the movement put all sorts of stress on the still healing injuries – and a sharp pain lanced up his side. He bit down on his lip to keep from making a sound.

After some fumbling and falling over on the bed, Izaya finally managed to wiggle his way into his new clothes. He didn't bother trying to pull his socks on, that wouldn't be worth the pain. Not that it counted or anything, but Izaya couldn't actually reach his feet to put them on.

Shizuo, meanwhile, had settled himself down on the edge of the bed. He hadn't said anything the entire time, but Izaya was guessing that he just might have been smiling a little.

Reaching out, Izaya tugged on the bottom of the other's vest. Once he had Shizuo's attention, he pressed the socks into his hand and wiggled his toes; he didn't feel like typing out what he wanted. It was kind of obvious anyway.

“Hang on.”

Izaya hadn't really noticed before, but Shizuo's fingers felt a little callused; probably from all of those heavy objects he kept picking up and those sign posts he swung around all the time. It didn't bother him as much as it might have before; the blond's hands were still warm and gentle as they tugged on his socks.

“Everything fit alright?”

Being jerked out of his thoughts like that, Izaya quickly nodded and flushed just a little. He hoped that Shizuo didn't notice.

Knowing him, the blond probably did. There was a small smile playing about his lips as he straightened up, “Here, I'll help you with your jacket and then we'll go.”

Shizuo's hands were gently as he helped Izaya into the hoodie, rolling up the sleeves so that he could stick his arms into them easier. He zipped it up and made sure that the brunette looked somewhat presentable – even running his fingers through his hair to straighten it out a bit – before he gently picked him up into his arms.

Before he did, Izaya had the mind to swipe his phone off of the bed and stuff it into the pocket of the hoodie. He wasn't about to lose his means of communication.

Celty was waiting for them in the hallway of the apartment, her helmet still in place and looking just like she always did in her black jump suit. Izaya had cuddled closer to Shizuo, covering his mouth to hide a yawn as he did so. He wasn't imagining it when he saw her shoulders shake as though she was giggling.

[ _The two of you are so cute together!_ ]

Izaya flushed at that. Were all women obsessed with this sort of thing?

“... don't say that again Celty,” Shizuo grumbled.

The dullahan simply waved her hand at them in a dismissive manner, her shoulders still shaking with her silent giggles. Once she'd calmed herself down a little – and Izaya and Shizuo had stopped blushing so much – she typed up a new message that was much more appropriate then musing on their relationship.

[ _How are you feeling this morning Izaya?_ ]

He shrugged. - _Fine. I just want to get this over with._ -

Celty nodded her head once before turning away and gesturing for the blond to follow her, Izaya in his arms. The elevator was, as usual, broken which forced them to use the stairs instead; given that Shizuo's apartment was on the third floor, it wasn't too bad of a trip.

Since Izaya was still feeling a little tired, he wound up dozing lightly in the blond's arms; lulled into that state by the regular sound of his breathing. He snuggled a little bit closer to Shizuo, he was warm and he felt a little chilled still. Luckily, he was feeling pretty numb – most of his injuries, the minor ones, were healed while a couple would still sting if he moved too much. Still, all of it was taking its toll on his body; he wished that he could simply go back to sleep.

Well, he'd have the next few days to rest. If he was up and about, then he'd be in a wheelchair; and he'd be in that wheelchair until his knee had healed and Shinra had deemed him recovered, then he'd be able to attempt walking.

He was startled out of his sleepy reverie when Shizuo gently shook him to wake him up as they exited the apartment and onto the street. It was pretty deserted, with only a couple other people walking past them. Celty had left her motorcycle parked near the sidewalk.

“You'll look after him till I get there?”

Celty nodded, gesturing with a swirl of her shadows around Izaya's head. He was a little surprised when a helmet formed, made of that same material.

What surprised him more was when she effortlessly took him into her arms, settling him on her motorcycle before climbing on in front of him. Izaya slid his arms around her waist, holding on tightly so that he wouldn't fall off; he really hoped that she wouldn't pull off any crazy stunts because he didn't have the strength to hold on for those.

“I'll see you soon.” Shizuo's tone was tender and he gave the brunette a small, comforting smile before he slipped on his blue sunglasses.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 3777 words

The motorcycle gave a whinny before Celty guided it away from the curb and onto the street, Izaya managed to catch the small wave Shizuo gave before the dullahan sped up and took off. He tightened his grip around her waist just a little, nervous.

It had been his first time outside in weeks and it was a little disconcerting to see that in all of that time nothing had changed. The city was the same as always; full of people bustling around and going about their lives, people going to work or school just like the day before. He could almost hate it.

What he hated more, though, was how terrified he was of the people. Any one of them could have been responsible for... for what had happened to him, and he couldn't remember any of it – which was mostly a good thing.

As they sped around the corner, he caught sight of Simon standing outside of Russia Sushi; doing his job just like always. He waved at Celty when he caught sight of her and she gave him a quick nod in return before speeding off.

The rest of the trip to Shinra's was uneventful but Izaya still felt uneasy for much of it. He couldn't help but feel as though everyone's eyes were on him.

Shizuo wasn't there when they arrived at Shinra's, but Celty was kind enough not to take her usual route into the building and simply left her motorcycle parked on the street. Just as she'd done earlier, she easily swept Izaya into her arms and carried him inside. It was just a tiny bit embarrassing, but at least no one was around to see it.

The door to the apartment had been left unlocked, but Shinra came and opened it for them when Izaya knocked since Celty's hands were full.

“How are you feeling this morning Izaya?” Shinra asked after he'd finished greeting the two of them.

Izaya gave a little shrug, but pulled out his phone when the doctor gave him a sharp look. - _I feel fine, just a little tired. Like always._ -

“Your body is still healing and it's taking up a lot of your energy, so it isn't all that surprising.” Shinra sighed, stepping aside so that Celty could carry Izaya inside. He trailed behind them.

Celty carried him into the small hospital room that Shinra kept just for him and Shizuo. She carefully settled him on the bed and made sure that he was tucked in and comfortable. [ _Do you want anything?_ ]

He shook his head.

[ _Alright. If you need anything, then just ask._ ] She turned to Shinra, showing him a quick message before she left. Izaya heard the front door click closed behind her.

Now Shinra's full attention was on him and it was a little uncomfortable. Izaya shifted a little on the bed and waited for the inevitable questions.

“When I asked you how you felt, I meant how do you feel emotionally Izaya. I know that physically, you're fine but–”

- _I don't really know._ \- Izaya hesitated; even though Shinra was his friend and they were relatively close, he still didn't feel all that comfortable with sharing so much with him. Shinra might have seen him when his injuries were at his worst, but he hadn't been the one who'd been patching him together over the last few weeks.

He felt so much more comfortable around Shizuo, talking with him. The blond never pushed him to talk about things if he wasn't ready to, and he appreciated that.

“You have to have _**some**_ idea. How was being outside again?”

The first part was mumbled with exasperation, the second part was clear and direct. It caught Izaya a little off guard and his fingers twitched.

- _... I don't want to talk about it._ -

Shinra frowned, “Izaya, if it's something you find uncomfortable, then you should talk about it and we can figure out a way to deal with it. We're not going to push you into doing things that you don't want to, but you need to talk to us about them or else we won't know.”

- _You talk too much._ \- Izaya sighed. - _But thanks. I just don't want to talk about it right now._ -

Shinra nodded, “Do you want to wait until Shizuo gets here? I guess you'd rather talk to him about this than me.”

- _Sorry._ -

“Don't be. It doesn't surprise me that you're more comfortable talking about this sort of thing with him than with me. But don't be afraid to talk to me or Celty about anything, alright?”

- _I know._ -

“Well, in the meantime, let me check some of your injuries. I think that we'll be able to take off some of those bandages now.”

It took quite a bit of careful manoeuvring to get Izaya out of his clothes and into a hospital gown. For Izaya, it was a little uncomfortable since usually Shizuo was the one who helped him dress, but Shinra managed to be very professional about the entire thing which helped.

Most of the bandages around his torso were changed instead of removed, but Shinra noted that the wounds there had been more severe but that they were healing nicely. There would still be some scarring, but it would gradually fade with time.

A couple of the bandages came off his arms, revealing long, thin scabs which stretched down his arm, crisscrossing with a number of others. The bruises and scratches around his wrists had faded, but there were some vivid red and purple scars marking them. His legs had come out relatively unscathed – with the exception of his knee which was to be operated on – and the scars around his ankles.

“Hm,” Shinra hummed thoughtfully as the scarred flesh was revealed. “Your burns have healed up fairly well; I'd give them another week or two before they're fully healed, but they've scarred over rather nicely...”

For the most part, Izaya tuned out Shinra's rambling about the subject of his injuries. He didn't want to hear about the scars anymore. With each one being counted, he felt his heart sink a little bit more.

Did his inside match his outside now? He knew that, mentally, he still had a long ways to go before he recovered, and some part of him knew that he wouldn't ever be completely recovered. Physically, his wounds would heal, but the scars would remain as a constant reminder of what he couldn't remember.

“... still a chance they could get infected, so for now just keep taking those antibiotics that I gave you – you have been taking those right? And the pain medication?”

Izaya frowned at that. How to explain. - _I took the antibiotics, but only because Shizu-chan made me. I didn't touch the other pills unless the pain was really bad._ -

Shinra heaved a heavy sigh at that and crossed his arms, giving Izaya one of his stern doctor persona looks. It was nearly enough to make the brunette cringe, just a little.

“After your surgery, you _**will**_ take the medication that I prescribe you to take. No exceptions. I'll make sure that Shizuo knows.” Shinra paused to pinch the bridge of his nose, his voice was a little softer as he continued, “There is a risk for nerve damage, given your injuries, and the pain might be chronic – there's a chance that you'll have to be on heavier pain medications for the rest of your life.”

- _I don't like drugs._ -

“I know that, but what I mean is that when the pain gets really bad, you're not going to have a choice. I'm not saying that this is one-hundred percent going to happen, but it's a very real possibility; I just want you to be prepared.”

- _I know, it's just..._ -

Whatever it was that Izaya was going to say, he was interrupted by the sound of loud knocking on Shinra's door.

“That'll be Shizuo. I'll get it.” Shinra straightened up. He gave Izaya a dark look, “Don't move.”

Izaya just gave him a flat look in response. Where the hell was he going to go? He certainly wasn't walking anywhere any time soon.

Shinra opened the door, greeting Shizuo softly, “How was the walk?”

He shrugged, nudging his way inside and toeing off his shoes on the matt there. “The same as usual. A couple of Raira kids were trailing after me for a while, but other than that nothing.”

“Really? Do you know them?” Shinra frowned a little; he himself didn't know anyone, really, who attended Raira – well, apart from Anri, but he barely knew her. Celty had brought her here the same night that Shizuo had been shot, so he'd been a little distracted.

“They were asking about Izaya before. I don't know them but I think that Izaya does; when I told him about them, he seemed really surprised to hear about it.” Shizuo tucked his sunglasses away in an inner pocket of his vest and stuffed his hands in his pockets. His casual posture belied the tension in his shoulders.

“Did he give you a name?”

“He mentioned a 'Mikado-kun.' I'm guessing that's the boy, he had a girl with him... I think I've seen her around before.” Shizuo frowned, clearly searching his memory for the girl's name and failing.

Shinra shrugged and turned away, “I guess it's not that important. Anyway, I've already gotten Izaya settled in and I removed some of his bandages. Do you want to see him?”

“Yeah.”

Following the brunette doctor down the hall and into the small room that he'd left Izaya in. Shizuo gave Izaya a warm smile as he entered and a small wave.

“Hey. How are you feeling?”

Izaya returned the smile and shrugged. - _Fine. Shinra was rambling on again._ -

“Hey!”

Shizuo chuckled, “Yeah, he does that. You should be used to it by now. Or just tune it out.”

In response, Shinra pouted and crossed his arms while Izaya just laughed silently, his shoulders shaking. Shizuo just smiled, quickly crossing the space between them to stand at the side of the bed.

“Are you two done making fun of me yet?” Shinra asked; he sounded just a little annoyed. “I still have to finish removing all those bandages.”

- _Do you have to?_ -

“Yes, I want to check on all of your injuries and most of them are healed enough for me to take them off.” Shinra picked up a set of scissors from the tray on a nearby table and gestured for Izaya to lean back so that he could finish up what he was doing.

Shizuo watched, arms crossed, his stormy eyes unreadable but swirling with emotions. He very carefully and gently sat on the edge of the bed; Izaya shifted a little under his intense scrutiny.

The last bandages to come off were the ones around his neck and face. Izaya couldn't see them, but he could tell by the slight darkening of anger in Shizuo's eyes that the scars about his neck weren't pretty. He looked down to his lap, twisting his hands together.

When Shinra removed the bandage covering his eye, Izaya blinked it blearily several times. Everything was terribly blurry for several moments before it eventually came into focus. It was the first time in weeks that he'd been able to look at Shizuo with both eyes. Tentatively, he reached up, touching the skin there. He could feel the rough edges of scars and scabs and the eye itself was still a bit swollen, but the eye socket itself was intact and fine.

He was startled out of his thoughts when he felt Shizuo's fingers gently fitting into the gaps between his over his eye. There was a pensive look on his face as he then twined his fingers with Izaya's and gave them a comforting squeeze.

Shinra was saying something, but Izaya was completely tuning him out. The only indication that he got that either of them was listening was that Shizuo acknowledged him very briefly, but his full attention was on Izaya.

“Can we have a minute?” Shizuo interrupted Shinra before he could continue on his rambling rant about how Izaya's recovery was coming.

“And he – huh? Oh, yeah sure. I'll go and prep the OR; it'll be ready in a few minutes.” Shinra then quietly exited the room, closing the door behind him. His footsteps were soft as they receded down the hall to another room.

Shizuo nudged Izaya, making him move over enough so that Shizuo could slide onto the bed with him, leaning against the headboard beside the brunette. He slipped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a gentle embrace and letting Izaya's head rest against his chest; his other hand carefully separated Izaya's fidgeting ones and entwining their fingers together.

“Stop that, you'll reopen some of your wounds,” Shizuo admonished softly. “Is something wrong?”

- _There's so many scars..._ \- Izaya let out a heavy sigh. - _I knew that there would be scars, but I never thought that they'd be so numerous._ -

“Yeah, but you've got some older ones too.” Shizuo's lips gently pressed against his shoulder, against one of the old scars there; a myriad of new cuts decorating the skin there. A few of them would probably leave new scars.

- _Yes, but..._ \- He flushed; he really didn't want to admit to that. It was so far off and not a subject that they'd touched on really. - _I guess I'll have to make sure to wear long sleeves from now on. But I have no idea how I'd..._ -

He gestured weakly towards the scars around his neck. They were still a vivid red and the edges were ragged; the scar would be ugly and twist around the skin of his neck. It would be hard to hide and even more difficult to explain.

Shizuo tightened his hold on Izaya's hand, his lips moving gently to press against the skin where his neck and shoulder met. The brunette shivered in response, shyly tilting his head to give the blond better access; blushing as Shizuo's lips pressed soft, chaste kisses against the edges of his wounds there.

While he couldn't say that the treatment made what had happened to him worth it, it certainly made him feel better. The blond was warm, his touch gentle but firm; under his head, Izaya could feel the firm and hard muscles there – Shizuo was all muscle beneath his clothing – but he had never been anything but tender and careful with him. He couldn't explain it well, but it filled him with warmth that swelled from deep within his chest.

It was... really nice.

“That's what you're worried about?” Shizuo continued, voice quiet. “That those scars will affect how I feel about you.”

Izaya bit down on his lip, too afraid to give any indication that it was true. Instead, he glanced down to their entwined hands and stared rather pointedly at them.

“Don't worry about it; it's not important.”

Shizuo's lips pressed along his jaw, up to his temple and across his forehead before he pressed them against his now uncovered eye. Izaya squeezed it shut unconsciously as he did so.

- _Are you sure?_ -

At that, Shizuo actually laughed – a deep chuckle, but still. “Yeah I'm sure. It doesn't matter so you shouldn't worry about it. These scars don't change anything.”

He smirked, his hand stroking up and down Izaya's shoulders in what was both a slightly suggestive move and a comforting gesture as well. Izaya leaned against him and let out a content sigh.

Their quiet moment was interrupted by Shinra's soft knock at the door as he eased it open enough to stick his head through. “Hey, it's time. You're might wanna suit up Shizuo if you're gonna be in there too.”

The blond grumbled about that, but didn't raise too many complaints about the entire thing. It was, however, easy enough to get him to carry Izaya into the room which would be serving as the operating room and then he followed Shinra out to put on the necessary surgical garb and to get cleaned up.

Izaya, meanwhile, was lying on the operating table, feeling rather uncomfortable. When Shinra and Shizuo returned, the blond grabbed a chair and sat down at the head of the bed, running his fingers through his hair and giving him a smile. It was a little weird to see him wearing a surgical slip over his usual bartender uniform.

On the other hand, Shinra was fully decked out in his surgical garb, his hands freshly scrubbed as he pulled on a pair of latex gloves with a very audible snap. It made Izaya's stomach twist just a little with anxiety.

But Shizuo's hands were warm and comforting on his face – he focused on those instead. Shinra was already masked up and stringing up what looked like a curtain around the middle of Izaya's abdomen.

“It's so that you don't see what I'm doing – I'd rather not have you go into shock from the sight of it,” Shinra explained quickly, his voice muffled by the mask. “I'm giving you a local anaesthetic so you're going to be awake for the procedure. Since I'm not an anaesthesiologist and I don't want to drag in some of... my contacts, this is the best I can do.”

Twisting a little awkwardly, Izaya reached up; Shizuo met him before he could put too much strain on his body and make his injuries worse. Almost immediately he twined their fingers together and let it rest on the bed beside Izaya's head, moving into a more comfortable position at his side.

Izaya frowned at that; did Shizuo really want to sit there? Wouldn't that give him a view of his operation?

“Don't give me that look,” Shizuo growled with a small smile. “I'll be fine. I've seen a lot worse.”

Shinra shuddered then grumbled, “That's because it's pretty much impossible to knock you out with any _**thing**_... I've tried horse tranquillizers and not even _**those**_ work.”

That made Izaya smile and he gave Shizuo's hand a small squeeze. He felt the prick and the burn of the needle as Shinra applied the anaesthetic, then washed the flesh to make sure that it was sterile before he set to work.

It was quite disconcerting because he did have a sort of feeling for what Shinra was doing to his knee, but there was no pain and the feeling of it was extremely dulled. Instead, he concentrated on the feel of Shizuo's hand in his and the way his hand was stroking through his hair. Occasionally, the blond's hand would stray, his fingers brushing against his cheeks and forehead.

If he'd been able to, he would've curled closer to the blond, but since he couldn't feel his leg from just above the knee he couldn't. Plus, the hold that Shinra had on him told him he was going nowhere any time soon.

Shizuo leaned forward and brushed his lips along his forehead, murmuring softly too him. Dimly, Izaya wondered whether or not the blond would ever consider singing to him, but quickly dismissed the thought – it didn't matter, so long as he was there then that was enough.

At some point, he must have drifted off. It might have had to do with the anaesthetic or just the fact that he was plain tired, but whatever the case was, Izaya dozed off for the majority of his operation. What woke him up was Shizuo gently nudging his shoulder and kissing him. It was a very pleasant way to wake up.

He could feel Shinra sewing up his knee and knew that the operation was finished. Bandages were applied to his knee, along with what felt like a very stiff brace.

“You're going to be bedridden for about a week, just to let everything set. After that you've got about another three or four weeks in which you have to stay off your feet,” Shinra explained. “Then we'll start you in on some physiotherapy, just to get you adjusted to being back on your feet under your own power. Shizuo can help you with that.”

“I can?” The blond blinked, confused.

“Yes. I'll explain it later. For now let's just move him back into the other room. He can stay there for the first week, then you can take him home.”

Since there was no point to arguing – not that he could – Izaya simply let Shizuo scoop him up into his arms and carry him out of the room. With the anaesthesia wearing off, he could feel the pain start to come back. It wasn't too bad at that point, but it definitely was going to get worse before it would get better.

Maybe he would end up taking that pain medication of Shinra's after all.

Shizuo settled him into the bed, pulling the blankets up around him and making sure that he was comfortable. A glass of water was pressed into his hands along with two smallish pills.

“Take those; doctor's orders.” Shizuo settled down on the chair by his bedside.

Izaya gave him a dark look but took the pills anyway, downing them with the water. He still felt sleepy and settled back against the pillows, giving Shizuo a look that he hoped conveyed his questions. Craning his neck a little to the side, he could see his phone tucked away on the small wheeled table at his bedside; he was just too tired to bother reaching for it.

“I'll stay the night and I'll try and come back to see you tomorrow – either at lunch or in the evening.”

He nodded, settling back into the bed and reaching towards Shizuo; his movements were a little sluggish and uncoordinated. He felt like a fish out of water. It only made the blond chuckle as he took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“You gonna get some more sleep?” Shizuo propped his chin up on the bed with his other hand, watching the brunette with a small smile on his face.

A lazy nod was Izaya's only response before he let his eyes drift closed. It didn't take him too long until he was fast asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 2223 words

Shinra poked his head into the room a few minutes later, drying his hands off with a cloth as he entered. He closed the door quietly behind him as he approached, discarding the towel into a nearby bin before coming to stand on the other side of the bed. Checking over the various instruments that Izaya was hooked up to, he gave a short nod to himself before he returned his attention to Shizuo.

“That went well.” Shinra let out a sigh. “I was kind of worried that he'd have a panic attack or something, it's partly the reason why I didn't want to actually put him to sleep. I was worried it would bring back some... unpleasant memories for him.”

“He hasn't remembered anything.”

“I know, and he won't. But I mean that I wasn't sure if it would bring back something more like... an impression of what he went through. I'd rather avoid that.”

Shinra sighed and crossed his arms, pushing his glasses up as they glinted in the light. “How is he taking everything else?”

“Fine. He's been rather relaxed lately and spends a lot of time sleeping.” Shizuo let out a sigh, tilting his head a little to the side. “There are some days where I worry about him more than others. I keep thinking that there might be something he's keeping from me, just because he doesn't want me to worry.”

“Mm... I suppose that's natural. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I really can't accurately say what's the matter with him or what's going through his head. The most we can do is be there for him.”

Shizuo nodded, “I keep telling him that. Sometimes he seems to believe it more than others. It's sort of weird; his moods have been a little crazy lately. One moment he'll be happy and more cheerful than usual, and then there are times where he just doesn't want to get out of bed. It's frustrating.”

“Yes, I expected that much. He might be difficult at times. You just have to be understanding – I really hope you haven't snapped at him.”

The blond gave him an extremely dry look and Shinra's hands immediately rose in a pacifying gesture.

“Okay, okay, I get it. You won't hurt him. I'm just saying... you're temper isn't great Shizuo.”

“I know that,” he snapped. “Sometimes it's hard, but he just looks so sad and broken that I just _**can't**_ stay mad at him for very long.”

Shinra looked at him and let out a heavy sigh. “If you say so. Anyway, you're staying the night? Should I fix up the couch for you?”

“No, I'll stay here.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I'll be fine.”

It was already late in the afternoon when the operation had finished, the sun shining in from between the curtains that were pulled across the windows. Izaya was still asleep on the bed and Shizuo was hunched over in the chair next to him, holding his hand. He'd been dozing for a while, into the early evening, when he was startled to wakefulness by a soft knock at the door.

Celty opened the door and stuck her head inside, holding a tray of what looked like dinner in her hands. She wasn't wearing her helmet so the shadows which puffed from the stump of her neck in occasional spurts.

[ _I brought dinner for the both of you. Are you hungry?_ ]

His stomach grumbled in response and he gave the dullahan a sheepish grin. She pushed a small table over which comfortably fit over the bed.

[ _Do you want to wake Izaya up? He should eat something too; to keep his strength up._ ] Celty placed the tray on the table and walked towards the door. [ _Shinra and I are just down the hall if you need anything. Tell Izaya I'm glad that he's alright._ ]

“Yeah, I will.”

She shut the door behind her, leaving the two men alone with each other again.

With a small sigh, Shizuo straightened up, releasing Izaya's hand briefly so that he could stretch. Reaching his arms above his head, he heard his back crack just a little and his muscles released some of the stiffness which had permeated them as a result of his continued vigil. He hadn't felt so stiff since he'd spent those long days at Izaya's bedside waiting for him to wake up.

And those were _**pleasant**_ memories that he really did not want to dredge up, not right then. They always filled him with anger and self-loathing for how he'd failed the other. He needed to think positively, not dwell on the past.

Smoothing his hand up the brunette's arm to his shoulder, Shizuo gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Hey, you'd better wake up so you can eat something.”

Dark red eyes opened and blinked blearily a few times before they came into focus. The lustre in them was slowly returning, but they still weren't as bright as he remembered them as being before, but at least they didn't look like rusted blood any more. He'd count his victories as they came – that was one of them.

A small frown tugged at the corners of Izaya's mouth, but he said nothing – not like Shizuo expected him to – and weakly pushed himself into a sitting position. Shizuo wound up supporting him, telling him in a soft voice that he had to be careful.

To that, he got a particularly dirty look that didn't hold the venom that it should have.

He just chuckled, “Shinra will have _**both**_ of our hides if you make your injuries worse just after he's operated on you.”

Izaya just glanced around, spotting his phone on the nearby table. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't quite reach it.

Instead of letting him injure himself further, Shizuo picked it up and plopped it into Izaya's hands. He got a small smile of thanks in response before Shizuo settled back into his chair, picking up the extra bowl of rice from the table and the chopsticks that came with it. There were some steamed vegetables on top along with what he was pretty sure was an egg.

Glancing at the reminder, there were two cups along with a small teapot. Izaya's portions were smaller than his, but then again he hadn't been eating as much lately. He wasn't going to complain about it, so long as Izaya was eating then it was fine.

Izaya was looking over his dinner with a rather critical eye, occasionally poking at the egg and vegetables. The behaviour reminded Shizuo a little bit of a small child, which was both cute and just a smidgen bizarre.

“C'mon,” he prodded. “You have to eat something or else you're not going to get better any time soon.”

That got a small glare from Izaya, but he picked up the fork that had been given to him and his bowl. His hand shook slightly, but it wasn't as bad as it had been before. Shizuo wasn't as worried about it as he'd been before, over the weeks Izaya had gradually been growing stronger. The progress was slow and there were a couple of setbacks, but it was progress nonetheless.

Dinner was eaten in relative silence. Izaya did pause once to ask Shizuo where he was sleeping and he'd danced a little around the issue – he wasn't actually _**planning**_ to sleep.

- _If you're not going to sleep, then you could have just said so._ -

Shizuo gave him a surprised look and Izaya just chuckled a little with a small smile.

- _You're very easy to see through sometimes Shizu-chan~_ \- Izaya set aside his phone as he took up his dinner, taking a bite and smiling at the slightly stunned look on Shizuo's face.

That look of shock quickly turned into one of mild irritation. Shizuo grumbled out something under his breath but didn't actually say anything. Even though he'd been getting a little more sleep lately, there were still dark circles under his eyes and there was a ragged look of exhaustion still clinging to his features. Izaya was nothing if not observant and he noticed all of that.

The guilt was still gnawing at his insides a little, affecting his appetite, but he didn't want Shizuo to worry about him anymore than he already did so he did make an effort to finish his dinner. It tasted a little bland – the vegetables probably had been cooked a little too long – but Celty had done a good job otherwise. Maybe there was some hope for the headless' culinary skills after all.

“Are you done? You can stop playing with your food.”

Shizuo had already finished, setting aside his bowl on the tray and absently swirling the tea around in his mug. He downed the last of it in one swig and set it back on the tray.

Giving one more stab at the remaining rice clinging to the bottom of his bowl, Izaya set it back on the tray with a clatter. He winced a little at the noise and glanced over at his own cup of tea. It wasn't hot anymore – which he preferred – but he still sipped at it slowly, letting the lukewarm liquid soothe his throat.

“How are you feeling?” Shizuo had inched his chair a little closer, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. The posture made him look more exhausted than he already did; Izaya felt his stomach twist a little more.

Izaya shrugged. - _A little tired I suppose, but I'm fine otherwise. The painkillers are obviously working because I can't feel anything from my knee. What about you? How are you feeling?_ -

To that, Shizuo just slumped back in his chair, “Worried. Tired. But I'll deal with it. Right now, you're my biggest concern.”

- _Shinra and Celty will be looking after me, you don't have to worry; I'll be fine. I want to know that you're okay. And right now you look like you're about to drop dead._ -

“I–”

- _I don't care if you're spending the night, I just want to know that you're taking care of yourself._ -

It took a little effort, but Izaya managed to move a few inches over on the bed. Shizuo had automatically stood up, halting him with a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Hey! Don't do that! You might rip the stitches or something!” Shizuo gave him a hard look. “Just what did you think you were doing?”

Tugging on Shizuo's shoulders and arm, Izaya managed to get the blond to sit on the edge of the bed. It took him about that long to catch onto what Izaya wanted.

“What?! No! Think about your injuries! I could make them worse!”

Izaya shook his head, frowning and pulling a little harder on Shizuo's arm. He was going to get the blond on the bed with him if it was the last thing he did. After weeks of sharing a bed with him, Izaya was just used to it; he wasn't sure if he could sleep without him there. Shizuo kept the nightmares away and made him feel safe.

After some silent arguing, Shizuo eventually wound up sitting on the bed. He was sitting with his back against the headboard and close to the edge of the bed. Izaya had curled himself up at his side, using Shizuo's lap as his own pillow.

His knee was still straight and locked in a cocoon of bandages. Izaya had managed to move without dislodging it and with the drugs numbing out any of the pain it meant that he couldn't really feel anything to do with his recent surgery.

But he was comfortable where he was and he wasn't about to move anytime soon. Shizuo was warm and his hand in his hair was comforting as he ran his fingers through it. It was a gesture that Shizuo had fallen into as of late, not that Izaya was going to complain. He liked it a lot.

“Are you comfortable?”

Izaya nodded. His phone had been set back on the side table along with the tray with their dirty dishes; it had been pushed away from the bed so that the two of them could occupy it without Izaya smacking himself on the table. Celty would probably come and collect it sometime soon. According to Shizuo, it was almost ten.

“You know, you're not gonna be able to do this every night.”

With a sigh, Izaya nodded. He knew that Shizuo couldn't stay every night while he was stuck here; it wasn't right to impose that on Celty or Shinra. It was only a week, he could deal with that. He hoped.

Izaya was already drifting off, listening to Shizuo's voice as he spoke. He seemed to be talking more to himself than to Izaya, but that didn't matter. Eventually, Izaya fell asleep, snuggled up next to Shizuo.

“I don't mind, though,” Shizuo continued softly. “It's... nice to be there for someone else... nice to have someone need you. That's a first for me.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words: 7767 words

When Izaya woke up the next morning, he was alone. Sunlight was streaming in through the window in bright streaks, meaning that it was probably late in the morning or midday. He wasn't really sure; his internal clock was already messed up from all the sleeping he'd been doing lately and it wasn't like it really mattered.

And besides, he really hadn't expected Shizuo to be there when he woke up. He did have work to do after all; he couldn't spend all his time looking after Izaya.

A soft knock at the door broke him out of his reverie, pushing himself upright, Izaya winced a little as pain lanced up from his knee. Obviously the painkillers that Shinra had given him had worn off, which did kind of suck; he hadn't realized how much it would hurt.

Celty entered the room, a tray balanced in her arms. She wasn't wearing her helmet, but he supposed that she didn't usually bother when she was home. Her shadows swirled up in patterns from the stump of her neck.

Setting the tray aside on the table, she picked up a glass of water from it along with some rather large looking pills. She pressed both into Izaya's hands, pulling out her PDA at his confused expression.

[ _You should take those – Shinra's orders. He says that the medication he gave you yesterday should have worn off by now._ ]

Well, that explained the pain he was in. Izaya stared at the pills for a few more seconds before he swallowed them and then took a gulp of water. Now he just had to wait for the medication to kick in which could possibly take a while.

She wheeled the table over, letting Izaya place the glass back on it, and gestured at the food on the tray. Breakfast, obviously. It wasn't particularly fancy but Izaya wasn't going to complain – he didn't have much of an appetite and he doubted that he could stomach much.

[ _I've got one job to do this morning, but it shouldn't take very long and Shizuo will be stopping by with lunch. If there's an emergency, don't be afraid to text either of us._ ] Celty paused for a moment and then added something else. [ _I'll leave you my laptop so that you don't get bored._ ]

Izaya frowned, she really didn't need to do that.

Celty, of course, seemed to read his mind because she quickly cut him off before he could make a response. [ _Mikado has been asking about you lately. I think he's worried. You should tell him that you're alright. He didn't seem to really believe me when I told him._ ]

Really, that was the last thing that Izaya wanted to do. He didn't feel like he deserved Mikado's concern after what he'd put the brunette through; after all, he'd been one of the driving forces behind the gang war that had nearly happened. Although, he wasn't too sure if Mikado was actually aware of that, but it wouldn't surprise him so much if he was. The kid was much smarter and perhaps more devious than he looked.

But still the kid was much too forgiving. Especially to those who really didn't deserve it.

Luckily, Celty didn't push the issue. She stuck around to make sure that he ate his breakfast and that he was comfortable before she took the tray back to the kitchen and returned with her laptop and its power cord. Once it was plugged into the wall and Izaya was properly set up, she bid him goodbye after making him promise to let her or Shizuo or Shinra know if there was anything he needed.

Not that Shinra could do too much, he'd been called away on an emergency and probably wouldn't be back until late in the evening. It wasn't too unusual for him.

Izaya stayed away from his usual internet haunts and he avoided checking his email; he didn't want to see the potential mountain of complaints and threats that would probably be there. The underworld could get by without him – they'd been doing fine before he came along.

As limitless as the internet was, Izaya quickly got bored with clicking through various YouTube videos that caught his eye. Not even the infinite time sink that were usually so entertaining kept him as occupied as they usually did – he wasn't even tempted to try and trace a couple of the more interesting posts. He was afraid of what he might find.

Eventually, he wound up on the chat room that he'd used to frequent.

His mind must have been fuzzier than he'd thought because he couldn't remember his password for the chat room. Celty was already logged in, so he just decided that for the time being, he'd use hers until he remembered or set up a new account.

It was with a certain sense of resignation that he signed into the chat room – he had nothing better to do with his time, but he still felt uncomfortable with the entire thing.

 _Setton has signed in._

 **Tanaka Taro:** Oh, hello Setton! You're not usually on this early, did something happen?

Izaya frowned; he hadn't expected a response so quickly. Despite that it was the weekend, he hadn't expected anyone to be online. Still, he typed up a response.

 **Setton:** Ah, no.

 **Setton:** Setton's out, actually. I couldn't remember my password so...

 **Tanaka Taro:** What? Oh... Kanra?!

 **Setton:** ... yes. Hello.

For a few seconds, Izaya was at war with himself between logging out and chickening out of the whole conversation or just continuing on. He could have lied about who he was and pretended that he was Celty, but he didn't think that he'd be able to imitate her perfectly. He felt guilty; he really didn't deserve Mikado's concern.

 **Tanaka Taro:** Are you okay? You haven't been online in a long time. Did something happen?

 **Setton:** Yes, I'm fine. Or at least, as well as can be expected. Just... a lot of things happened that I didn't expect and I'm... trying to deal with them now.

 **Tanaka Taro:** I was worried...

 **Setton:** I heard. You shouldn't be.

 **Tanaka Taro:** Well, I was. Two of my classmates have gone missing and one of them was found recently... I was just worried that, well...

 **Setton:** I heard about that. Setton mentioned it once. I don't know anything more than that.

 **Tanaka Taro:** ... it was pretty terrible. They're thinking it's gang activity or human trafficking.

 **Setton:** Oh.

Izaya had no idea what had happened to him except for a few extremely vague recollections of pain – _pain... excruciating pain... make it stop! **It hurts!**_ – and the consequences that he was now dealing with. Not to mention an apprehension and fear of crowds and strangers.

But what Mikado had said made sense – that sort of systematic kidnapping and probably torture would be in line with gangs or human traffickers.

He didn't want to think about it.

 **Tanaka Taro:** Are you alright Kanra? You seem... diffferent.

 **Setton:** Ah, well, a lot of things have changed.

There was a pause in the conversation. Mikado was probably weighing whatever it was he was going to say next.

For Izaya, he was nearly scared to death when the door to his room creaked open and Shizuo poked his head inside. He hadn't heard him enter the apartment.

“Sorry, I thought you heard me,” he said sheepishly. He held a bag of take-out in one hand while the other tucked his sunglasses away in an inner pocket of his vest.

Izaya gave him a sharp look before glancing back to the screen. Mikado had finally responded.

 **Tanaka Taro:** If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.

Really, Mikado was far, far too trusting sometimes. It made Izaya's heart clench painfully and he bit his lip to keep himself from doing anything too emotional that would probably trigger Shizuo's protective streak. He really didn't want to have to deal with a potentially violent outburst right then.

 **Setton:** Thank you.

 **Setton:** Ah, I have to go. My... friend wants my attention.

Logging off quickly, Izaya slid the laptop aside as Shizuo set lunch on the table and tried to help him unpack it all. Ultimately, Shizuo just gently swatted his hands away and set it up himself. Out of one of his pockets he pulled out a small bottle of pills and popped out two of them, which he then pressed them into his hands. The pills were quickly followed by a bottle of water.

“Celty said she gave you some before she left for work this morning and Shinra's orders were that you're supposed to take them with food.” Shizuo retrieved his chair from the corner of the room, dragging it over.

After he'd taken the pills, Izaya glanced over at Shizuo, picking his phone up off the corner of the table. - _How was your morning?_ -

“Eh, it was fine; the usual.” Shizuo shrugged, “And yours?”

- _Boring._ -

Like most of their meals, their lunch was relatively silent. Celty wound up returning just as Shizuo was cleaning up the mess, gathering up all the containers to throw out or recycle.

“I'll try and see if I can come see you tomorrow,” Shizuo said, leaning over and running his fingers through Izaya's hair in an affectionate gesture. “In the evening maybe?”

Izaya nodded. He wasn't particularly surprised when Shizuo pressed his lips to his in a gentle kiss, but he leaned into it and had to bite back the pathetic noise that he might have made when Shizuo pulled away.

Shizuo just gave him a small smile before bidding him goodbye and leaving, telling him to behave or else he might not be able to take him home.

That made Izaya blush and he ducked his head. Out of the corners of his eyes, he could see Celty's shoulders shaking with silent giggles. Clearly she was taking pleasure at his embarrassment, or, god forbid, she found the entire thing to be absolutely _**adorable**_. He shuddered a little at the thought of it.

As she seemed prone to do, Celty snapped him out of his thoughts when she gently nudged his shoulder and held out her PDA to him.

[ _Did you talk to Mikado?_ ]

He frowned, but nodded.

[ _How did it go?_ ]

She settled herself onto the side of his bed and despite her lack of a head, Izaya could feel her scrutinizing his every mood. Celty might not be able to lie herself, but she certainly could see through others like they were made of glass.

- _It went well. He's too forgiving; it'll get him into trouble one day._ -

[ _So long as he doesn't get himself into any dangerous situations, I think he'll be fine._ ]

Izaya hesitated, fingers hovering over the keyboard of his phone. Even though Shizuo was a welcome distraction – and a good one at that – he'd still had what Mikado had told him floating around his mind and tormenting him from the edges of his thoughts.

Shizuo would dance around the issue no matter what and Izaya was genuinely nervous about bringing the subject up with him – he knew it would always remain a sore point until it was dealt with – because he knew how Shizuo would take it. He had a protective streak that rivalled his strength and, well, he reacted with violence.

He knew those dark looks that Shizuo hid from him when he looked at his injuries, the hurt that lurked behind those warm stormy eyes he loved so much. Shizuo was hurting just as much as he was, and he was definitely still harbouring at least _**some**_ thought of revenge against whoever was responsible...

But Izaya didn't know who that was.

And it terrified him.

[ _Are you alright Izaya? You're awfully... quiet. Did Mikado say something?_ ]

He bit his lip, fear and worry gnawing at his insides, before he quickly typed up a response. - _He mentioned that... that some of his classmates had gone missing._ -

Celty didn't seem surprised.

[ _He did? Izaya, I'm sorry, but I don't know much more than he does._ ]

- _I figured. If it's human trafficking or gang activity, then they'd be... pretty secretive about it all._ -

This time, Celty hesitated briefly before she replied. [ _They found one of the girls. She was... in a similar state to yours... but she wasn't as lucky as you were._ ]

She didn't need to say it, Izaya knew. _She died._

- _I don't remember anything._ -

[ _Shinra said that the drugs they used probably had something to do with that. He... also mentioned that your mind is probably also blocking parts of it out, to protect your mind from having to deal with that._ ]

Even though the thought of it terrified him, made his blood run cold and made him feel like he was teetering on the verge of a panic attack, he still wished that he had _**something**_. He hated how scared he was of even just going outside, he could remember that feeling of fear lodged deep in his stomach from when he had gone outside with Celty.

Izaya knew she would never let anyone hurt him, but it was still eating at him from the inside. What if they came back? He wouldn't be able to recognize them.

Celty placed her hand over his, jerking him out of his dark thoughts. She gave it a comforting squeeze and he could picture a soft smile on her face.

[ _We'll make lots of good memories to make up for those ones you're missing. You don't need them._ ]

She had a point there. At this point, he had only one option: move forward. As difficult and daunting as it seemed, he wouldn't be facing it alone. Shinra would be there to patch up his wounds and make sure that they healed as best they could, and Celty would be there to kick him when he started sinking back down into that dark pit lurking in the back of his mind – she was very good at it – and offering him comfort when he needed it.

And he had Shizuo. That counted the most in his mind. Shizuo wouldn't let anyone hurt him and he would support him through everything – he'd promised he would and Shizuo was a man of his word, Izaya knew that. He felt safe with him; safe and _**loved**_. Shizuo wouldn't let him go through this alone.

Celty carefully pulled him into a gently embrace when he didn't respond, their phones lying forgotten between them.

 **.:-o-:. .:-o-:. .:-o-:.**

  
Izaya was not going to lie; he was starting to get just a teensy bit stir-crazy. There was only so long that he could spend in bed with nothing to entertain himself. He had the internet and Celty had wheeled in a TV for him, but he couldn't stay focused on one thing for too long.

It didn't help that most of the news stations were either covering the death of that girl from Mikado's class – an exchange student, the reports said – or something equally depressing. Then there were the rumours floating around about Hanejima Yuuhei and his love life...

Izaya did not want to think about the younger Heiwajima. His words still burned when he thought about them.

Mikado, though, was a bit of a welcome distraction. For once.

He'd been worried that he'd have to set up a new account, but he'd luckily remembered his email and he'd simply reset the password. After that he'd simply set up a new email – he didn't need any reminders and wading through five-hundred and fifty-two emails was not appealing in the slightest – and changed it to that.

It was a little strange; he'd never thought that he'd be one for starting fresh. The online handle was just familiar to him. Mikado knew it too and he didn't want to have to go with through the hassle of creating a new one.

Celty spent much of her day by his side, using Shinra's computer since she'd lent hers to Izaya while he stayed with them.

He hadn't been able to tell Mikado exactly what had happened, but he did have to give it to him that he was smart; Mikado pieced much of it together himself. Izaya had made a few mentions of his injuries and he'd been promptly told that he hoped he recovered quickly.

There was also the small problem that Izaya was pretty sure that Mikado might have some inkling that the 'friend' he always mentioned was Shizuo. Of course, he promptly warned him to stay away from Shizuo just because he was nervous about how he'd take some random high school student approaching him and asking him about Izaya.

Izaya wasn't stupid, he knew Shizuo just might snap at him if he thought Izaya was threatened.

It made him smile just a little; it was nice to know that someone cared about him that much. Shizuo could be sweet when he wanted to as well. That was why there was a giant bouquet of flowers sitting in a vase on the sill of his window – to bring some personality into the room, that was what Shizuo had said.

Of course, Izaya had blushed and been a bit flustered about the entire thing. Shinra, on the other hand, had teased him about it almost mercilessly; not even a death glare from Izaya had made him stop.

Luckily, he only had to put up with it for a few more days then he could go home with Shizuo. He'd be in a wheelchair until he'd completely healed from the surgery and his knee was ready for him to go through physiotherapy to get used to walking again.

Everything was changing, but he was adjusting to it surprisingly quickly. Shizuo was very kind and supportive too, which was an added bonus. It also helped him to keep a goal in mind, he wanted to get better for Shizuo's sake; he couldn't always be looking after him and worrying about whether or not he was okay.

If he could make it through the next few days without throttling Shinra, than he'd be fine. Izaya's knee was healing up nicely after the surgery, he'd be fine.

And his appetite was starting to increase, which was another good thing. He knew that the others had been worried over that since he couldn't finish even relatively small portions at mealtimes. He was starting to feel a little stronger too, physically at least.

 _Two more days..._ Izaya had been counting them down. Celty was out on business for the evening and Shizuo had promised to drop-in later for a visit and that he'd bring dinner. Shinra was bustling around in another room with one of his 'clients,' leaving Izaya to his own devices.

Which pretty much meant that he was on the internet and chatting with Mikado.

 **Tanaka Taro:** You're in the hospital, right? Or are you staying with Setton?

 **Kanra:** Ah, Setton was kind enough to let me stay with them instead of a hospital. I don't think I could really stomach a hospital at the moment...

 **Tanaka Taro:** Yeah, I don't really like hospitals either. Too many bad memories.

Izaya bit his lip at that, he was partly to blame for putting Mikado's friend in the hospital... after all, he'd set up the events that led up to it with a couple of well-placed words and some dropped information.

 **Kanra:** I'm sorry. About that.

 **Tanaka Taro:** Ah! You don't need to apologize Kanra, it's not your fault.

 _There you go again Mikado. You're far too forgiving for it to be healthy..._ He sighed and tapped his fingers on the table before typing up a quick response; he wasn't just going to let this matter die. Izaya was bound and determined to apologize to Mikado.

 **Kanra:** Still. I wanted to apologize for it.

 **Tanaka Taro:** Ah, well, if you really feel like you have to... your apology is accepted.

 **Kanra:** Well, um, thank you.

 **Tanaka Taro:** :) It's nothing. Are you feeling better today?

 **Kanra:** Yeah, I'm starting to get my appetite back and I'm feeling a little bit stronger too.

 ** _Bakyura has signed on._**

Izaya's eyes flew wide open and his fingers started to tremble as his stomach dropped out. This was the last thing he needed right now. He could not face _**him**_ like this.

 **Kanra:** Ah, sorry Taro, but I'm going to go now.

 **Tanaka Taro:** Huh? Why? Your friend there?

 **Kanra:** Yeah, something like that.

 **Bakyura:** You scared of me now Kanra? I thought you were dead.

Izaya didn't bother to log out, he simply slammed the laptop shut and shoved the table away.

Awkwardly, he curled up on his side and tried to pull his knees to his chest, but that was too uncomfortable with the bandages and brace he was wearing so he gave up. Instead, he wrapped his arms around himself and bit down on his lip to try and keep himself from crying.

He'd known that he couldn't avoid Kida forever and he knew that he did deserve whatever he wanted to mete out against him. But right then? It hurt a lot more than it usually would. Izaya was vulnerable and he knew that and he couldn't let anyone use it against him. If anyone came after him, they'd go after Shizuo too and he just would not allow that.

That was how Shizuo found him when arrived in the late evening. He found Izaya on his side, curled up and staring at the wall with glassy eyes.

Gently, he smoothed his hand over his shoulder and bent at the waist to kiss him on the temple. “You alright?”

Izaya blinked, pulling himself from his thoughts and self-recriminations. He gazed up at Shizuo and tried for a smile, but it fell when Shizuo saw straight through it and frowned.

Settling down on the side of the bed, Shizuo ran his fingers through Izaya's hair in a comforting gesture. There was a bit of a faraway look to his eyes as he tucked his sunglasses away, but Izaya could tell from the tense set of his shoulders and the frown on his lips that he wasn't happy.

Groping around the bed for his phone, Izaya found it and quickly typed up a message.

- _I'm fine, don't worry about it._ -

“You look like you're about to cry, don't tell me nothing's wrong.”

Izaya wished that Shizuo hadn't chose that moment to be more observant than usual. He bit his lip and tried again with a heavy sigh.

- _I am – was – a horrible person. People aren't going to just forgive me for what I've done. It's pretty obvious that a couple of them are going to be happy about... this. Because I deserved it._ -

This time, he didn't miss the twitch in Shizuo's hands. He was _**definitely**_ not happy about this and Izaya knew better than to drop names – he wasn't about to let Shizuo's protective streak get out of hand. This was something that he just had to accept, like Izaya had.

“Izaya, I told you this before. You did not deserve _**anything**_ that was done to you. No one deserves that. No matter what they might have done before.”

To that, Izaya had no response.

“Look, I can't say that I expect everyone to just, you know, forgive you. But I don't want to hear about them insulting you or threatening you. I nearly lost you once, I don't want to see them tear you apart again.”

Shizuo was very pointedly staring at his feet, “It scared me. Honestly, I was terrified when I saw you like that... I thought that I would lose you and it wouldn't be because of your injuries.”

With a small frown, Izaya reached out and caught Shizuo's hand, tangling his fingers with his and giving it a comforting squeeze. Typing with just one hand on his phone was difficult, but he eventually managed it.

- _Thank you. For everything._ -

 **.:-o-:. .:-o-:. .:-o-:.**

  
Izaya wound up spending the reminder of the week and part of the next one with Shinra. There were a couple of complications from the surgery and he needed to start on physiotherapy so that he'd be able to walk again. Izaya wasn't looking forward to that, but he put up with it.

And Shizuo continued to be as supportive as ever.

He'd gotten rather speedy in his wheelchair though, even though Shinra's apartment really wasn't all that wheelchair friendly. But Izaya was good at managing to navigate himself through the various obstacles.

Since the majority of the bandages had come off, Izaya had a bit more freedom when it came to his movements. Although, this meant that all of his newly acquired scars were on full display. Izaya had insisted on wearing long-sleeves because he just hated seeing them because he felt that they just made him ugly and he was still very insecure about whether Shizuo was attracted to him with them.

It was sort of confusing and Shizuo didn't really understand the reasons. For the most part, he just thought Izaya was being stupid about it.

He let out a heavy sigh; Izaya was tugging on the sleeves for what seemed to be the hundredth time in a single hour.

“Stop it.” He gently grabbed Izaya's wrist, halting his movement.

Izaya's head snapped up and he looked at him, red eyes wide.

“You're going to irritate your skin or something if you keep doing it. I don't think they're ugly.” _I might hate the site of them, but it has nothing to do with you._

Biting his lip, Izaya looked down at his lap before picking up his cellphone once Shizuo had released his wrist. - _I don't like them. I mean, you..._ -

“I wish you'd stop being so stubborn, Izaya,” Shizuo replied, slumping back into the chair with an unlit cigarette dangled between his lips – Shinra had forbidden him from smoking in his home. “I've told you, I don't mind them and no, I don't think they make you any less of a person either. That would kind of be stupid.”

- _What do you mean?_ \- Izaya tipped his head to the side in a gesture of confusion. Shizuo had to quickly look away because it was just such an utterly _**adorable**_ sight.

“Well, I, um, I've got a couple scars myself, actually.” Shizuo shuffled a little uncomfortably in his seat; he knew that his cheeks were flushed. Of course he had scars – Izaya had given him one or two of them, actually – but getting shot really didn't leave much in the way of smooth skin. “And trust me, some of them are pretty nasty to look at. Though, I guess it's better to have a scar than to be dead.”

The smile he got from Izaya at that was a small one, but it was genuine. Shizuo couldn't help but return it.

- _You don't have as many though._ -

Shizuo shrugged, “Probably not, but I think mine are a lot worse. They're kind of prominent. Yours will fade in a couple months or so – they won't be as noticeable. And they'll get better over the years too.”

- _Do you know that for sure?_ \- Izaya was leaning forward in his wheelchair, almost dangerously close to toppling out of it, in fact.

“Hey, careful!” Shizuo gently nudged him back into his seat, ignoring the look Izaya was giving him as he did. “And yeah, I do. I have a couple from when I was younger and they're not nearly as bad as they used to be.”

- _Really?_ -

“Yeah. Here, I'll show you.”

Shizuo quickly rolled up his shirt sleeve, revealing his right arm. He turned it over and showed Izaya the flat of his palm. Pointing at his palm, he indicated a very thin, faint white line across it.

“I punched through a window at school once, sliced my hand up pretty badly, but this is pretty much all that's left of it.”

Izaya looked at it in fascination. It wasn't just Shizuo's palm which bore one of those faint scars, in fact, his entire arm looked to be an intricate latticework of them. They were very faint, but the raised skin caught the sun and cast small shadows.

“Ah, yeah, I've still got some from that whole Saika incident.” Shizuo shrugged. “It's not a big deal.”

- _Are there more?_ \- Izaya was certain that there were more of them, but he realized with a blush that if there were... _**oh**_.

Shizuo blinked and then nodded slowly, “Yeah, there's more.”

He rolled up his other sleeve, revealing more of the same pale, criss-crossing scars. They formed an intricate pattern which stretched past his elbow, Izaya couldn't help but stare at them.

Shizuo's scars were faded while his own were still a bright, angry red. He knew, deep down, that eventually his would fade and start to look like that too, but right then it was hard to picture. And... the ones around his wrists and his neck... they'd always be ugly and horrible to look at.

“Hey, cheer up, okay?” Shizuo shifted a little, clearly a little uncomfortable. His cheeks were a little flushed. “You've got to stay positive or Shinra might make you stay longer.”

Izaya shuddered. - _Don't say things like that!_ -

“I was kidding. But seriously, though, you need to start cheering up a little more. You get to come home with me in a day or two, but you have to keep up with the therapy that Shinra's given you or else we'll both get in trouble with him.”

- _I know._ \- Izaya had to shove down a blush and a thrill of warmth that threatened to swell inside his chest at the mention of 'home.' He'd never really had a place to call home before, not in the sentimental sense at least.

It made him happy.

“... anyway, Celty said she stopped by your place a couple days ago. Your... uh, assistant? Anyway, given how long you've been away, the place is being sold, but Celty managed to grab some of your clothes before she threw the rest of your stuff out.”

Izaya frowned and shrugged. - _I'm surprised she didn't do that sooner. Namie's not exactly a very nice person._ -

“Yeah, but you're not going back there.”

There was a certain finality in his voice, and Izaya knew that he'd have to be a stronger – and stupider – individual than he was to do that. He didn't think that he'd be able to just leave Shizuo like that, he'd become far too important for him to do that.

- _I know. I didn't plan on it._ \- Too likely a chance that – but no, he cut that thought off before it was fully formed.

“If you need anything new, we'll just buy it for you. It's not a problem.” Shizuo just shrugged it off and leaned back in his chair.

The sun, which was quickly sinking behind the skyscrapers, was bringing a red tinge to the world. Shizuo's hair was glowing an almost violent, bright gold. Izaya also noticed that, when he glanced down, his skin looked _**almost**_ healthy again.

He almost didn't notice the bright red scars marring his wrists that poked out from under his sleeves.

Subconsciously, Izaya tugged at the sleeves of his shirt, pulling them down further to hide the scars. He simply stared down at his lap, trying not to look at them and trying to keep Shizuo from noticing his movements.

Shizuo's hand was on his arm again, stopping him from fiddling with his sleeves any more. “Stop. You're going to peel the scabs or something and then Shinra'll get mad at _**both**_ of us.”

Izaya let out a heavy sigh. It was going to take quite a lot of time before he was comfortable with his scars; they weren't going to fade for a while and he was going to live with them until they did. And beyond that.

Since he was so wrapped up in his own dark thoughts, Izaya wasn't fully aware of when Shizuo gently prying his fingers out of the fists they'd become. He only really noticed what Shizuo was doing when the blond leaned in and raised Izaya's hand up, letting the sleeve slide down and reveal each of the scars there.

Feeling his cheeks burn, Izaya glanced nervously between Shizuo and his arm, fighting back the urge to tug it back out of Shizuo's hold. But there was something about the firm set of his jaw and the determined look in his stormy eyes stopped him.

Very carefully, almost as though he was afraid that Izaya would bolt at any moment, Shizuo placed a soft kiss on the first scar, then the next, and another. He continued to do this with each visible scar on Izaya's wrist, then repeated it on the other.

By the time he was finished, Izaya's face resembled a tomato and he was trembling.

Shizuo shifted forward in his seat, gently tugging Izaya forward by his arms so that he could pull him into a tight embrace, lips brushing against Izaya's cheek as he did so.

“These change nothing. I still love you.” Shizuo's lips softly touched Izaya's ear as he spoke, the words carving themselves into Izaya's memory.

Izaya's shoulders were shaking and he felt like he was about to cry, but he absolutely refused to let the tears fall. He wanted to be strong again, _for Shizuo_ , so that he wouldn't always be worrying him about his mental state or that he was going to be okay. He didn't want to feel like he was a burden to him.

But he wanted him to love him, because he loved him.

The two of them stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, Shizuo pulled back and cupped Izaya's face in his hands, thumbs brushing away the glistening moisture at the edges of his eyes with a small smile on his lips.

Izaya couldn't help but flush, his cheeks taking on a delicate pink glow that looked much darker in the light of the setting sun. But he did manage a small, but genuine, smile for Shizuo.

 _Thank you._

There was so much that Izaya wanted to thank him for that he never thought he'd be able to. After all, there were still so many complications and road blocks that were still ahead of him and he knew too well that his recovery wasn't going to be an easy one. Things would never go back to the way that they'd been before.

And he was okay with that.

 **.:-o-:. .:-o-:. .:-o-:.**

  
Walking again proved to be the most difficult part of Izaya's recovery.

His muscles were weak and just moving a short distance proved to be exhausting for him. But he was slowly making progress and gradually building his strength up again. It was adjusting to the limp which was taking much more time.

Shizuo was supportive and understanding; he wanted Izaya to take his recovery at his own pace. Shinra, on the other hand, wanted to push Izaya's boundaries a little more – _for his sake_ , he insisted.

“You can't spend the rest of your life locked up inside, you're going to have to leave sometime,” Shinra said. “And I'm not saying to go and do something adventurous. I mean something simple, like, maybe a short walk. You can take Shizuo and Celty with you. You just need to get out more; it'll help you build up your strength.”

That was something Izaya had been avoiding almost religiously. He hadn't been outside since Celty had brought him back to Shizuo's apartment. The thought of going outside was terrifying to him.

He purposefully stared at his hands. - _I don't think I can do that._ -

Shinra let out a heavy sigh, “Look, I know this is scary, but you have to face it sometime, Izaya. Shizuo will be with you. And Celty. You won't be alone.”

- _You're going to make me do this, aren't you?_ -

“I'm going to keep bothering you about it, yes, but I won't force you.” Shinra's shoulders slumped a little bit. “It's just... you can't keep letting your fear control you. That's the same as letting them win.”

This was a delicate topic with Izaya and while he did tense up, this time he didn't feel that overwhelming fear that he'd felt before. There was still a sense of anxiety about the entire thing that had settled into the bottom of his stomach, but then he took a deep breath and thought of Shizuo and that helped.

He felt safe with Shizuo. He felt stronger.

Shinra had a small, triumphant smile on his face when Izaya finally let out a defeated sigh.

- _Fine. I'll do it._ -

“Great!” Shinra beamed at him.

- _But I think I'll just go with Shizuo. For now._ \- He quickly amended that statement at Shinra's look. - _If anything happens, I'll make sure that I let Celty know. But I'll be fine with Shizuo. Are you doubting that he can keep me safe?_ -

“That has nothing to do with it. I just want to make sure that you're okay. Celty's been worried about you too; she keeps asking if you're okay. Just spend some time with her too.”

- _I know._ -

Conversation after that died down quite a bit. Shinra had to leave shortly thereafter when he got a call from one of his clients and Izaya kept glancing nervously at the clock. He knew that Shinra hadn't meant that he had to get out _**right then**_ , but he wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.

That way, maybe he could build up his courage enough to do it more frequently.

Shizuo would be off work soon. Izaya took a deep breath and quickly typed in a message to send him.

- _Shinra wants me to get out. Do you want to go for a walk after you're done work?_ -

The response was pretty quick. Izaya didn't doubt that Shizuo normally wouldn't have cared or bothered to check his phone before, but now he seemed to do it religiously. Only difference now being that he'd respond immediately to any message Izaya sent him. It was rather sweet and it made him smile.

- _Do you feel up to it?_ -

Izaya let out a soft sigh of amusement. - _I think I can handle it._ -

- _Alright, I'll be home soon._ -

Well, that was that. Now all Izaya could do was wait and hope that he wouldn't have a panic attack and back out of this – not that Shizuo would hold it against him, but he'd feel bad about it. This was one way for him to feel strong again.

His stomach was churning a little uncomfortably, so he got up off the couch and slowly made his way over to the kitchen to make some tea. He pointedly ignored the minute trembling of his fingers as he did; Izaya already knew he was something of a nervous wreck about this.

The tea helped. Its smell and heat relaxed him and he slumped forward just a little as he leaned back against the counter; his muscles relaxed and a feeling of calm settled over him.

 _I can do this,_ he kept telling himself. _I **can** do this._

He was still nervous when Shizuo arrived, but he felt much better about the entire thing having had some tea and time to relax and calm down. Taking deep, measured breaths, he walked out of the kitchen.

“Hey. You sure about this?”

Izaya nodded as he struggled a little bit with his shoes. He heard Shizuo chuckle and that just made him scowl.

“Do you need some help?” The question was sincere and Izaya could hear the concern in Shizuo's voice.

He shook his head; he needed to start doing things for himself. And in any case, he'd already managed to get his shoes on. He was just glad that Celty had got some that were easy to pull on and didn't have any laces – he was a little embarrassed that he hadn't noticed that before.

With his shoes on, Izaya stood up and gave Shizuo a smile. He was ready.

Shizuo held the door open, letting Izaya out first before he closed the door behind them and locked it. He offered Izaya his hand – an almost unconscious gesture – which Izaya took immediately, latching onto it tightly with both hands. Maybe it was a little weak, but he was going to take support when it was offered.

The walk down the hall to the elevator was slow, but Shizuo didn't complain. Instead, he just quietly supported Izaya, helping him when he stumbled and asking if he was alright when he did.

And Izaya did find it a little bit annoying, but when he saw the concern smouldering in Shizuo's eyes, he couldn't find it in himself to be irritated. Maybe he would eventually, but right then, he was glad for it.

His breath caught in his throat when they came to the door leading outside. But Izaya paused and closed his eyes, taking a long, deep breath before he opened them again and took his first, firm steps outside.

Shizuo gave his hand a gentle squeeze and a warm smile, which folded Izaya with a sense of confidence that he needed.

The sun was setting over the horizon and disappearing behind the buildings all around them, leaving behind a faint light that cast everything in an orange glow. It was rather pretty and peaceful, despite the sounds of traffic and people filtering to them from the busier streets. There were a few other people on the streets, but since this was largely a residential street, there wasn't as much traffic.

Even so, Izaya couldn't help but glance nervously at the people that they did pass. When he did, Shizuo would give his hand a gentle squeeze and tug him closer until Izaya was practically plastered to his side.

And he said nothing of it.

That made Izaya feel guilty and he glanced down at his feet. He wasn't sure what to do.

Izaya must have zoned out for quite a while as he tried to figure out what he should do, because he was startled out of his reverie by Shizuo gently tugging him around a corner to a small, abandoned playground.

There were still a couple of people milling around the streets, but with the last rays of light fading over the buildings, the streets were quickly emptying out. As this area was largely composed of apartments, there were only a couple of stragglers making their way home after a long day and several going out for a night on the town.

Noises from the busier streets filtered down through the various streets and allies, but it sounded muffled and distant. The blaring sounds of a siren echoed through the near silence of the evening air.

The two of them settled down on the swings, which creaked loudly as they did so. Shizuo gently nudged his back and forth with his foot digging into the gravel as he did; Izaya, on the other hand, just tightly held onto the chains, staring at the ground.

He wasn't sure what to do.

“Are you feeling okay?” Shizuo was watching him closely, looking for any sign that Izaya wasn't comfortable – that he was _**afraid**_.

Izaya shrugged, releasing his grip on the chains of the swing to reach for his phone in his pocket. He held it in his lap for a few moments while he sorted out his feelings. It was hard to communicate what he wanted to, but he'd do his best.

- _It's hard to explain... but I feel fine. Just a little bit sore; I haven't been this active in a long time._ -

Shizuo nodded, “Well, it's just something that'll take some time.”

- _I feel safe with you._ \- Izaya's cheeks were a pale shade of pink at that.

That just made Shizuo smile and he gently placed his hand over Izaya's and gave it a squeeze, “I'm happy to hear that.”

For several long moments, the two of them just sat there in the growing silence. Street lamps flickered on and the remaining light from the sun faded from the sky, leaving it a deep, pitch black. Soon, the only light illuminating the park was a single street lamp nearby.

Izaya watched as the light faded from the screen of his phone, turning it over in his hands a little. He wasn't sure what to say, but he didn't want to break the comfortable silence that had settled over the two of them.

Eventually, Shizuo broke it. “We should probably head back now; it's getting late.”

Izaya nodded and tucked his phone back into his pocket and made to stand up. Unfortunately for him, his knees shook violently and his legs gave out under him. The gravel dug into the palms of his hands and his legs painfully.

“Here.” Shizuo crouched down next to him, easily scooping Izaya up into his arms as though he was a small child. “Comfortable?”

Izaya nodded and snuggled a bit closer; Shizuo was warm and his arms gentle. The rhythm of Shizuo's heart was in his ear and his movement was regular; it didn't take too long until he started drifting off to a sort of half-wakeful state.

He was comfortable and he felt safe. He could get through this, he told himself, so long as he had Shizuo at his side.

Shizuo seemed to eerily echo his thoughts, “We'll get through this, Izaya. You'll see.”

And he knew they would; _**he**_ would.

 **FIN.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, a great big thank you to everyone who has been with me all this time! I hope that you've enjoyed this and that you'll stick around for the sequel, _Survivor's Syndrome_ , which should be posted sometime in the relatively near future.
> 
> *bows* Thanks everyone! You've been wonderful. <3
> 
> Now, I have other fills to complete and other projects to get started. Thanks to everyone and I hope to see you again when the sequel is posted!
> 
> Twilight.


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